I’m 43, and all my life I’ve been told I’m good in bed – until now

“I genuinely thought it was a joke when she said I was bad in bed and couldn’t take feedback” says the writer (Photo: simonkr/Getty)

I’m so glad to hear of your connection with the woman you met in Mallorca.

I also find it interesting that you say that it ended out of the blue. This happens infrequently in relationships – though it’s certainly not unheard of and people can desert partners in long-term relationships with no warning at all. However, far more usually there are signs and signals. If your ex is saying you can’t take feedback, I wonder whether she might have been trying to communicate with you for some time and felt unheard.

I hear how this feedback has knocked your ego and I respect that. Despite this, you’ve brought it into the open and are questioning what’s going on. I wonder if you’re experiencing a deeper sorrow too: you mention how devastated you felt when she ended your relationship. I wonder how much you miss this woman with whom you felt an unusually deep connection and whether there’s a sadness you’re feeling that your hopes of a future together have been abruptly severed?

I find it interesting that you “categorically” reject her suggestion that you were bad in bed and can’t take feedback. What does “good in bed” mean to you? I have no doubt that you put up a great performance, but sex isn’t simply a sport that you can be objectively good or bad at. We all connect differently with different people. On a deeper level, sex is a communication between two people. If she is hoping for intimate sex and for you both to connect and become vulnerable, while you are seeing it as a performance, you might both be good in bed but unable to respond to each other.

It is brave to expose yourself and become vulnerable through sex, to share that level of intimacy and to become fully present: not planning what to do next, sometimes following the lead of your partner. If you’ve previously been focused on performance rather than communication through touch, your ex might not have felt that you were really there with her as an individual with her own erogenous zones and unique body. Is it possible that you might have focused more on your performance than listening and being responsive to her wishes?

I wonder what your previous lovers had in common: perhaps they were more about ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’ when having sex; perhaps they didn’t have the courage or words to say what they wanted from you, or perhaps, as they assured you, they were a great fit.

Maybe now is the time to question whether you might be ready for deeper commitments and a sense of acceptance. This isn’t simply within relationships with partners – I wonder whether you truly feel a sense of belonging with your friendships and within your community, or whether you feel like you have to put on a performance.

People play down the joys of being 40: there is a huge liberation in this decade as so many people start accepting themselves for who they are and dropping a sense of who they should be. It can be the start of kinder, less competitive and judgmental decades ahead.

I would recommend four things to do now – it was going to be three, but I’m a romantic.

First: Start to notice when you’re not present in the here and now, when you’re thinking “what should I do or say next”, when you’re judging others or wondering what they think of you. When you notice, simply take a deep breath and bring your focus back to the present moment. This is an important practice in daily life – and it can also have a profound effect on your sex life. If you’re curious, read about the power and practice of tantra, which can lead to both men and women having full body orgasms.

Second: Learn stillness. Make space to be quietly present with yourself and whoever is around you. It’s powerful to slow everything down and be available to life, rather than busily doing. Sexually, that might mean being available for sexual advances and someone else leading the way; with friends and in your community, this might lead to deeper connection.

Third: Practice reflective listening. Check that you’ve understood what people are communicating by repeating it back so they know you’ve heard and you know that you’ve understood them. This in itself slows things down and makes sure that you are consciously listening, rather than thinking what you might say next or second guessing what they might be thinking.

Finally, the romantic in me is struck by the connection you felt. If you are missing the woman you met in Mallorca, then I’d encourage you to get back in touch with her to tell her how much that connection meant. I would explain that you’ve been thinking about what she said and explain that you want to become better at listening to feedback and understanding her perspective and needs.

I would tell her exactly what it was you found so special about her and ask her whether she feels the end of your relationship came out of the blue or whether she’s been trying to say things that you simply didn’t hear. I’d ask whether she’d care to communicate as you’d sincerely like to listen now – and accept her answer.

Whether or not you have any future with this woman, I am greatly encouraged that you’ve taken her comments to heart, despite the knock to your ego, as I believe that all your relationships, both friendships and partnerships, will benefit from listening fully to others and become deeper as a result.