My girlfriend didn't go to university - I'm worried she's not as intellectual as I am

”I’m worried she won’t be able to keep up with the conversation and that my parents will judge me.”

I want to put a misguided idea to bed here before I share my thoughts. You’ve met someone who left school at 18 and has been so successful in a fiercely competitive artistic field that they’re able to support themselves. That to me suggests an incredibly smart mind, as well as a creative one.

You also mention that she talks about feelings, which suggests she’s emotionally aware, another form of intelligence. So while your girlfriend might not have shared the same formal education as you, I have no doubt she’s bringing a lot to the table – even if she does have (in your opinion) questionable television taste.

I wonder why you’ve always equated intelligence with a university education. It’s understandable because it’s the experience of everyone around you, but it’s not accurate. Did you inherit this belief from your parents? Or is it something you’ve simply never questioned? I’d recommend that you give it some thought and, if I may be so bold, broaden your ideas.

I’m unclear as to whether your girlfriend is less smart than you, or whether there’s simply a difference in your education. If you find your girlfriend is kind and funny, honest and loving, but sometimes unable to follow the complicated conversations you enjoy, I’d recommend you focus on her qualities and get the current affairs chat from friends. No one person is ever going to fulfil all your needs.

Of all the limitations for someone to have, intellectual stimulation is easier to find elsewhere than a well-matched tennis partner, for example, especially as it sounds as if you tend to be surrounded by highly academic people. Only if you find this idea frustrating and feel like you’ll never be able to express yourself to the person you love does it suggest that there’s a potential mismatch as your core needs might be left unmet.

I wonder if the real issue here is your fear of judgment from your family and your friends. Yet it sounds as if your friends have not only welcomed your girlfriend, but genuinely like her. How important is fitting in for you? Do you fear this education mismatch for yourself, your family or your girlfriend? Do you feel a sense of betrayal of your parents’ values or a wish to please them? Is this something familiar throughout your life? Do you feel a bit embarrassed that your girlfriend doesn’t conform educationally?

First meetings are frequently awkward and it sounds as if introducing your girlfriend to your parents is worrying you. While her family were warm and welcoming to you, you’re concerned the same welcome won’t be extended. Is this likely, or are you worrying about a problem that exists in your mind more than reality? Are your parents quite judgmental or are they likely to show similar warmth as you recently experienced?

What’s happened previously when they’ve met people with different experiences or backgrounds? In your family culture, how important is it that partners and close friends gain approval? Are there people whose partners haven’t gained approval? Do you feel your acceptance in your family is subject to conditions?

Set yourselves up for a positive experience: I’d recommend sending your parents some pictures of your girlfriend’s work so they can see her talents and know beforehand she’s successfully followed a different path. Be open on how positively you feel about her with your parents.

It’s very hard to see our parents as individuals rather than ‘mum and dad’ but I’d also encourage you to step back a little. Are they awkward with strangers? Do they find social situations tricky to navigate and so end up dominating slightly and projecting their world view? Is it worth warning your girlfriend while also reassuring her?

Do remember that they have a vested interest in getting on with her, the woman with whom their son is falling in love. Whether she becomes the love of your life or not, I’m so glad she’s giving you the chance to broaden your view on what clever really means.