An emotional affair with a colleague saved my marriage

‘It can be both a betrayal and a kindness to keep a secret like this to the grave,’ says Kenny (Photo: 10’000 Hours/Getty)

How mature and aware of you to realise that you’ve been having an emotional affair. What an absolute gift to your marriage that you chose to halt what you were experiencing with your colleague – and that you’re now putting that effort into your relationship with your wife.

I felt such relief at the genuine optimism in your letter – while I know couples in happy relationships with no sex lives, it is strikingly rare for a couple to be unhappy and have a good sex life – and this suggests to me that all your efforts are making a real difference to your lives.

I wonder what happened between you and your wife to begin this emotional disconnection. It’s interesting to me that you met each other at a time of life where you had huge amounts of freedom and very little responsibility: I wonder if round-the-clock parenting, the demands of careers and the sheer amount of family admin had turned life into a stifling to-do list?

Being able to step out of the frenzy of life, be yourself and have a laugh is so incredibly important and it sounds as if you recognised this when spending time with your colleague, who perhaps reminded you that there is more to life.

What is the role of your friends in your life? I enjoy text conversations with my closest friends, maybe more than with my wife, because it’s a different depth of conversation.

We’re not sharing our lives together in the same way, but instead narrating, entertaining and sharing our highs and lows. My wife enjoys seeing me laughing at texts first thing in the morning and in the evening – and there’s nothing secretive about it.

These friendships mean the world to me, though because my closest friends are male, it’s platonic love rather than an emotional affair. Do you have close friendships beyond that with your partner?

I appreciate how much these tend to get neglected with very young children, but perhaps now your son is four it’s time to build on existing friendships or forge some new ones.

It’s healthy for there to be space for friends in your life. With the newfound closeness you’re feeling with your wife, I’d recommend you question the emotional gaps in your life and hers. How can you both meet these needs?

If, like so many of my clients, you are lonely for true friendships beyond your relationship and feel like you’ve grown apart from old friends over the years, then pursue your interests, whether sport or music, art, wellbeing or learning, as you’re likely to meet like-minded people.

Putting all your emotional needs in your partner’s basket is a huge pressure to add to any relationship. The reason I ask about this is to help guard against falling into future emotional affairs. No matter how much you love your wife, you might be attracted to other women in the future. If your needs are fulfilled with rich friendships, you are far less likely to act on that attraction.

I’d also take some time to reflect on how this attraction unfolded. How long did it take you to realise you were having an emotional affair? Was it more an emotional attraction first and then when it evolved into a physical attraction it felt too dangerous?

While many men are visual, not all are – and it might be that it was this woman’s friendliness to you that sparked the attraction. Do you tend not to give other women a thought because you’re worried about your wife’s jealousy and insecurity? Are you suppressing feelings in general to try to reassure your wife?

I wouldn’t recommend this strategy, however noble your intentions, as bottled-up feelings – whether of frustration, anger, fear or joy – will eventually rise to the surface with volcanic force from being trapped. Or do you have a fear that you might be seen as being predatory? Noticing beauty is very different from objectifying women.

Now, to your question of sharing your emotional affair with your wife: what is your motivation? Guilt is frequently a warning sign if we’re acting in a way that betrays our own values and it makes sense that you feel guilty when you see your colleague: you know you were betraying yourself and your love through this emotional affair.

Why would you choose to share this with your wife? Is it because it feels uncomfortable and you wish to offload it? Do you want her to reassure you that no harm was done so she – who is already the innocent party in this threesome – has to take on the responsibility of exonerating you? Or do you think it might strengthen your relationship further?

If you tell your wife, I’m sure she’ll want to know how you felt during the months that you were secretly in touch with your colleague: did you feel deceitful, or did you flirt with the fantasy of having an affair? Or was it more of a distraction from daily life and harmless fun in the background? These are important questions your wife would need to explore with you so she could feel safe in your relationship, and safe as a family.

If you answer her questions defensively or guiltily, she would have little choice but to suspect something more, while if you were comfortable with yourself and could reassure her that this friendship from the past taught you to be more present with her, it might indeed be beneficial for your marriage.

It can be both a betrayal and a kindness to keep a secret like this to the grave, partly depending on the emotional intelligence of both partners. You say your wife is insecure and prone to jealousy. This makes me believe that it wouldn’t be in her best interests to share this with her, at least for now. It could cause great harm to her in the present.

However, with your newfound strength in your partnership, you might find it’s a good time to approach her insecurities and jealousy with curiosity when she next experiences them. You could ask her how this has played out in her past and whether it’s something she’s interested in exploring for the family and your son.

All emotions are information so it’s important to avoid judging them as positive or negative, rather see that they bring an opportunity for self-awareness and to heal anything from her past that might be limiting the present and restricting the future.

I wonder whether there have been jealous and insecure characters in your past, too? Or whether she’s playing out jealousy for you, if you’re inclined to comparing yourself with peers or siblings?

If in the future your wife becomes more secure and less prone to jealousy, there may be some benefit to telling your wife about this relationship with your colleague.

For now, you’ve drawn the relationship with your colleague to a very clean end – and thank goodness for that. Rather than being seduced into playing it out as a full-blown affair, as so many people are, wanting excitement, romance and even sometimes enjoying the danger of secrecy, you wisely broke it off.

In my experience, it’s rare that such relationships end so cleanly and I hugely admire you for that. It is now your responsibility to manage this guilt inside yourself: it’s there as a warning for your future self that you don’t want to jeopardise your connection – and that even a kiss would alter the most important relationships in your life, with your wife and son.