My best friend is a terrible father – I think I should tell him

‘He said to me the other night – a few beers down – that having kids was one of the worst decisions he’s ever made’ (Photo: AleksandarGeorgiev/Getty)

Please don’t criticise his parenting: that is more likely to shut things down rather than keeping the conversation open so you can possibly help him turn things around slowly and gently from the inside.

A large number of my clients do sometimes feel a level of resentment towards their children: often their life pre-children disappears and it takes a while to forge a new life. They exchange social nights for soft play, relaxing holidays for buffet meals that are frequently thrown all over the floor. They often lose their partner’s focus, often affections, once a child is born – and being relegated can be very hard for some people.

It is very normal to feel a mix of emotions, for example love and boredom, especially when your child is very young and you are adjusting to a new life. By avoiding any judgment, you will encourage your friend to open up. It sounds like you and your best friend have a wonderful, strong friendship with a huge history of supporting each other through life’s ups and downs.

I’d encourage you to return to the conversation about having children being one of the worst decisions he’s ever made. Let him chat about it and just listen to his thoughts. Keep in mind that what we feel is rarely permanent and often nuanced: it might be that sometimes this feels like one of his worst decisions but this is perhaps tempered with other emotions. Do give him space to chat and then it might be helpful to ask him some questions and share your own feelings about fatherhood.

This is a special friendship because you’ve known each other since being so young and it gives you an opportunity to ask how he wishes his childhood was different and to share how you wish yours was different. Explore what your parents were like, what worked and what didn’t. Parenting confronts so many of us by giving us an opportunity to revisit our own childhoods.

Our reactions to our children’s behaviour – especially when they seem out of proportion – so frequently stem from the reactions we experienced when we were children. We get the chance to examine these and change them for the future, which can be painful if our own childhoods were less than ideal. What a gift it might be to bring this awareness of the past to your friend and invite him into a new way of parenting as best friends raising your sons together.

Did your friend get much chance to play during his own childhood? I stopped playing at a young age, once things became traumatic in my own life. It might be that your friend doesn’t know how to engage in play and that watching you will help him.

Did he have a volatile home life when he was a child? When your friend loses his temper, does he apologise to his son to put it right? Making amends is the most important thing. Every relationship has rupture, but it’s how you repair that counts.

Hopefully, by offering your friend a safe space where he can chat, you’ll be able to model a more nurturing parenting style. Far too many fathers have taken things out on their children, their staff, anyone down the line, often without realising it. Far too many people carry stress, pain and anxiety and don’t realise when they pass it on. I wonder whether he remembers his parents being patient or impatient with him when he was younger.

Parenting styles have also progressed since my childhood and yours: as a whole, parents today welcome their children’s emotions rather than suppressing them. That might feel challenging to your friend if he didn’t grow up in a household where all emotions were welcomed with curiosity and without judgment. I’d recommend that you open up conversations slowly and gently. Share your own feelings, experiences and fears about being a parent.

Do listen out for signs of depression: men can also suffer from post natal depression and if he’s failing to engage with his son there might be something bigger going on for him. Is it normal for your friend to have a short fuse or is he losing his temper because of the lack of sleep or stresses associated with parenthood?

What else is going on in his life? What is his relationship like with his partner? Is money an issue for him; perhaps more laden with fear and pressure since fatherhood?

I wonder what your friend thinks of your parenting. Have you asked him? Perhaps it might be an idea. I wonder what you think of your own parenting too? There’s a fairly broad spectrum of authoritative parenting that offers children love, security and boundaries.

If your friend is for the most part authoritative, rather than authoritarian (‘because I said so’ rules), permissive (anything goes) or neglectful (absent) they’ll likely raise children with secure attachment styles with good outcomes. They might be more hands off then you are, but perhaps they’d see you as a helicopter parent? Do you sit back and watch your son play or always get involved?

Do remember that we ideally raise children to become independent adults. Over-attention, which no doubt comes from love and care, doesn’t always make for resilience or self-belief. I’m not suggesting that this is your parenting style and, if it is, it sounds like your son’s life is full of love, I just want to point out that it’s always worth questioning ourselves when we find ourselves casting stones. I feel you’re a very lucky man to have such a great relationship with your son, as well as a life-long friend.