I starting texting a mum at my kid’s school - I’m worried it’s an emotional affair

"I fear it’s gone too far – she told me how she’s missed me over the summer break” (Photo: Getty)

As more people work from home, the school gates have become more like the office with gossip, bitching and flirting. Even though it’s no longer solely mums doing pick-ups — with dads, childminders and grandparents all being involved — it’s interesting that it’s still a place where mothers often let off steam, and frequently slag off their partners.

It sounds as if your presence as an involved, caring dad might have seemed like a contrast to this school mum’s partner. I wonder how this flirting felt for you all: while initially it sounds like you found it awkward, did you become flattered by the attention? The emotional boost it seemed to give the school mum sounds like it was harmless – and your wife might have appreciated the reminder that other women find you attractive.

But it seems clear that what started off as a bit of flirting, which your wife thought was flattering, has now crossed a line in your mind. How far do you and the mum actually want this to go? How happy are you in your marriage? How happy is she? Are you worried about what this could do to your marriage — especially as you’ve kept the texting secret? And is there a part of you that feels alive, either because of the flirting or because of the secrecy?

The fact you’re worried hopefully makes this a clear-cut decision for you. If you want to keep your relationship with your wife intact, this flirtatious relationship needs to end. I’d recommend communicating with the school mum, letting her know that you feel disloyal and uncomfortable with these texts. Instead, focus on your children at the school gates.

The alternative is that you carry on, the secret grows and it becomes more out of hand. There is every chance that it might move to become a full-blown affair: that might feel unlikely now, but I’m sure that you never anticipated you’d spend your summer holidays texting another woman.

Sometimes it can be helpful to play out the consequences in your mind to see whether you’d want a full-blown affair. If that sounds horrifying, then do nip it in the bud before any harm is caused.

If you feel there is something lacking in your own marriage, then discuss this consciously with your wife rather than letting an emotional affair become a destructive force not only to your relationship, but also something that could rock your children’s lives.

I think the only dilemma is whether to tell your wife how the flirtation has grown — and how you’ve ended it. You could explain to her how awkward you’ve felt and how you felt out of your depth. The advantage of this is that you are being open and transparent with your wife — you are very much on the same side. The disadvantage is if she might see it as a betrayal. In making this decision, it’s important to think what is best for your wife, rather than what is best for your conscience. If you are stopping this before it progresses, then it is sometimes kinder to keep it to yourself.

This school mum can become a reminder to put more effort into your own relationship. Has your relationship changed since having children? I recommend that you start giving your partner the extra time and attention that you spared for the flirty school mum. Remind your wife how special she is to you; perhaps you can start sending her flirty texts and arrange more time together without the children. It’s very easy for the daily routine to numb the passion in relationships.

I admire you for realising that your friendship with this school mum has crossed the line for you. I hope that it will serve to remind you not to take your wife for granted — and to see how betrayal doesn’t swoop in, but is often a gradual slide into behaviour that we wouldn’t have imagined. It sounds like you’re a fantastic role model for your children. I hope that in the pick-up crowds on the school-run this September, you’re able to focus on them.