I froze when my daughter was threatened - my family look at me differently now

‘I’m worried this will change how my kids and wife view me forever. What can I do to fix it?’ (Photo: Getty Images/Westend61)

It sounds as if the moment when your wife looked at you asking for help – and you looked down at your food – has played around your mind hundreds of times. I imagine you’ve asked yourself why you didn’t react differently. Perhaps, deep down, you know the answer already.

When we’re confronted by a threat in the present, which there’s no doubt this was, our body is flooded with the hormone adrenaline as we go into fight, flight or freeze. It sounds very much as if you froze: the perfect reaction if you’re being confronted by a bear, less practically useful when it comes to a small child on the rampage. But you didn’t have a conscious choice in your reaction – your amygdala reacted as soon as it perceived the threat, your body following. The question is: why did you freeze?

You might already know where in your past this stemmed from. If you’re not sure, then look at feelings you experienced with this unruly child – and your own feelings of helplessness. Have you ever felt this way in your past? Do you know where and when you felt like this? Did you learn as a child that keeping the peace was the most important thing to do, perhaps to keep you safe? Were you bullied at school or at home? Were you in a situation where you knew other people might be more powerful and protests might be met by violence? Did your family feel helpless and vulnerable in your community?

If you’re aware that something was triggered in you, you have the opportunity as an adult to feel those feelings, which may stem from your childhood or teenage years, knowing that you are no longer powerless, or in danger, but an adult who can choose how to navigate the world. By facing your past, you’ll experience more freedom in the present.

Armed with this awareness, I would chat with your family, not with the intention of fixing anything, but explaining and exploring what happened. Be open with your partner about where this stems from so she gains an understanding of why you were unable to support her in that moment. We have strong instincts to protect our children and loved ones and your explanation may help her to understand why, in the restaurant, freezing was your response.

I’d also let her know how much you appreciate her actions. Tell her how much it upset you that you didn’t act differently, how much thought you’ve given it and how you’d like to act in future. You might explain that this is something you are having to learn because your protective instinct to freeze may be deeply entrenched.

Be open and honest with your children, too. Given that your children are primary school aged, I would offer them reassurance that they were completely safe and praise their mother for having it all in hand – which she did, stepping in and keeping them safe. This might help overthrow some of the old-fashioned stereotypes that this moment might have been brought up in you – and that children absorb about the world – that the dad is the default ‘protector’.

I’d also talk to them, age appropriately, about how you wish you’d responded and explain that fear left you frozen stiff, unable to step in. This might be a time to talk about standing up for oneself, especially against bullies – and to explain that there are different ways to stand your ground. You might want to talk through ways in which you could have kept firmer boundaries. Perhaps you wish you’d anticipated the situation earlier and reacted before it escalated: you could explain how next time you’ll move your children so that they’re behind you.

Perhaps you could explain how you could have kept a peacemaker role but asserted your boundaries by politely asking the family if the boy could keep his running closer to his table. You could explore what might have happened if you’d stood up in front of the boy so he knew not to approach the table – and how that might have been effective, or inflamed the situation if the boy’s parents, who seemed to find the whole thing amusing, had gotten riled.

You could ask your children for their ideas as to what the best solution was. Sometimes moving away is not cowardice but pragmatic. I’ve found with bullies that if they’re ignored they can get angrier, as if they feel judged by someone who sees them as being inferior. Instead, sometimes an early acknowledgment: ‘We’re moving tables so each of our families can have space’ is the wisest solution and avoids stress for everyone.

One of the privileges – and challenges – of raising children is that it frequently takes us back to our own childhoods and offers us a chance to work through issues we’ve shut away rather than resolving in our own lives. By letting your family see you work through your own fears, learn to anticipate situations before they escalate and hold firm boundaries for both yourself and your family, you’re doing something much more important than fixing a problem: you’re working on your past so that it doesn’t have undue influence on your children’s future.

You’ll be able to model behaviour that gives them the tools to navigate tricky situations. And you’ll be showing them – importantly – that you’re learning, just as they are.