My wife wants IVF, I donât even know if I want to be a dad
4 July 2025
Weâve been trying to conceive traditionally for two years, and over that time itâs become my wifeâs sole focus. I know exactly when she ovulates, even though she doesnât say a word, because she puts on sexy boots and seduces me. For the first year, I thought I was lucky, but now I feel like itâs all very clinical and unromantic â itâs all for a goal, rather than for me.
She hasnât gotten pregnant yet and she chatted to me a few months ago about how weâre both in our late 30s and should consider going down the IVF route. Sheâd already done all the research and since then, weâve been together for a couple of appointments at a fertility clinic.
I found the whole thing very full on, from being in the clinic to the whole process ahead. The doctors are treating it like a trip to the barbers, but itâs going to involve injections and sedation for my wife. Friends who know people have said itâs very hard on relationships, can be very disappointing, and also expensive. Itâs made me really question the idea of being a dad, but I feel like weâre on a treadmill that I canât get off.
Please help!
âItâs made me really question the idea of being a dad, but I feel like weâre on a treadmill that I canât get offâ (Photo: milan2099/Getty)
Children arrive in this world entirely vulnerable and dependent on your love, care and protection. So I admire you for giving parenthood the gravity of thought it deserves and really considering if you are happy to swap â if only in the short term -â freedom and sexy boots for the joy, love and drudgery of helping to raise a human.
This doesnât cross the minds of too many, who walk into parenthood with less thought than starting a new job, which can lead to shock at the intensity of the role.
Do you fear becoming a parent, or IVF treatment?
Itâs time to work out what you really want from your future and where your second thoughts are coming from: is it the intensity of infertility treatment, or the idea of being a parent?
If a baby were to be delivered by a stork without your wife and you going through IVF, how would you feel? What did you find overwhelming about going to the clinic?
Do you want to be a dad? What worries you about fatherhood and what do you look forward to? What was your dad like? Has your wish to become a parent been driven by societal expectation or your wifeâs expectation, or is it a genuine choice? Becoming a good father is purpose in itself, so I wonder whether youâve considered the parts of your life that you might need to give up temporarily, or go on hold.
Start talking â your wife deserves a conversation
If you can understand whatâs going on inside you then youâre in a better place to communicate with your wife. But even if you donât have answers and still feel utterly confused about your second thoughts, itâs still crucial to communicate this: she deserves a conversation.
This subject is likely to be emotional: as you say, becoming a mother is your wifeâs focus and her hormones are probably intensifying that longing in her. She might already be grieving a straightforward conception and I would recommend that you are as open as possible, as soon as possible. If you do become parents, thereâll be difficult conversations to navigate along the way and your openness now will stand you both in good stead.
If your concern is fertility treatment, and she feels strongly that this is no barrier for her, then you might be able to reach a compromise over this. It is the woman who endures the majority of the treatment: while many couples share the experience, itâs far more important you navigate it in a way that works for you both. Iâd also encourage you to examine what about the treatment you find so overwhelming.
Make hard decisions if you need to
If youâre having second thoughts about becoming a parent, then you need to be clear with your wife as soon as possible. Womenâs fertility reduces significantly in their late 30s and 40s, and if this isnât the life you choose, it would be respectful and loving to give her as much time as possible to decide if sheâd want to become a parent alone, with a co-parent or another partner.
It might feel hugely frustrating to her that youâre offering her confusion rather than answers, but this is more honest than keeping it to yourself. Within your bewilderment, you can give her clarity and offer a timeframe for both of you, for example, if youâre still unsure in six months then you cannot go ahead with IVF.
Talk to friends who are parents; babysit; spend time with children; consider counselling together or alone. I notice in my online dadsâ groups, it is the people who made an active choice to become parents who find it easier to carry the responsibility of the early years of parenthood.