My sons have stopped seeing me after my divorce - I'm brokenhearted

‘The eldest said he didn’t want to spend time with me’ (Photo: Oliver Rossi/Getty)

It sounds as if you and your wife have been true to yourselves and your feelings for each other and parted on good terms, which is positive for everyone in the family. You might even have a stronger friendship by not being in a couple together. The respect and admiration you have for your former wife, especially when it comes to bringing up your sons, is so important.

I wonder how raw the feelings of grief are for your sons currently. It might be that the anger they’re feeling is all being sent your way as they choose to blame you. It’s possible that they see you as the stronger one in this situation, so more able to cope with receiving their anger.

The timing of your divorce might have left them confused about their home lives and asking themselves questions. As you say, you waited until they left home to split up.

But while it came as no surprise to you, it might have been a huge surprise to them. It’s possible that they’re feeling that they’ve left home – and then home is ripped from under them. I wonder if, from their point of view, they are questioning how many of their family memories are true or whether there was some acting going on while you were all living together?

They might also feel resentful that you missed out on so many family occasions when they were growing up. It’s interesting that they are choosing to hurt you by being absent when your absence was a theme of their childhood – and may well have hurt them when they were growing up.

It’s frustrating that at the moment, the lines of communication aren’t open for you to connect and start healing your relationship. It’s possible they felt abandoned by you in the past, or that you were absent emotionally, or to play because of work being on your mind. How were you as a dad when you were with your children?

Just as there’s a huge pressure on women to be homemakers, there’s similar societal pressure on men to be protectors and providers. Your sons might think this is desperately old-fashioned; you also might. But it’s important to acknowledge the tension of spending less time with the family to earn money for the people we love.

There’s always a sacrifice and it’s incredibly hard to perfect this balance. It’s society to blame for this, no one individual in any family.

There’s a huge power in an apology, especially if sorry isn’t a word you use regularly with your sons, and I would take this time to identify whether there is anything in their childhoods that you want to say sorry for and write it in a letter.

I would take this time to explain very briefly the reasons for divorce and take the time to share the respect and admiration that you have for their mother. Reassure them that you will always be there for them and that you will keep working to rebuild a relationship while respecting their boundaries.

I believe that parent-child relationships run one way until you’re elderly and infirm. That is to say, it continues to be your responsibility to keep getting in touch, or at least to be available to them so you’re there, ready with open arms, when they’re ready to be with you.

You can even say that you will honour a need for time and space, and they can simply tell you if they’re feeling overcrowded, but it’s important that they always feel loved, so you will continue to make contact with them. You can decide whether this is by phone, messaging, or whether you want to start writing regular letters, so they have evidence of love.

I’m pleased that this lack of communication is also of concern to your son’s mother. She will no doubt be suggesting that they meet up with you, too. Do tell her about the letter you send.

How would you feel about also suggesting a family meal each week, where you can catch up with her – and your sons – when they’re free? In this way, your wife and you are showing through your actions just how mutual and respectful your divorce is – and modelling a healthy ongoing relationship.

Hopefully, in time – and it will take time, which is incredibly hard – this will pave the way for a more meaningful relationship with your sons.