I'm a 34-year-old man with zero ‘real’ friends – how did this happen?

‘I can’t help wondering where I’ve gone wrong to end up like this,’ says the writer (Photo: Yana Iskayeva/Getty)

It’s so common for men to suddenly find themselves with no social life. Growing up you’ve had school friends, neighbourhood friends, sports and party friends. Then, at university, you get to experience the next level of freedom and the fun of studying together, playing sports, living, partying and travelling together. For many, this continues onto the conveyor belt of young professional life when it’s easy to make connections because everyone’s in the same boat.

But then, often quite suddenly, committed relationships, parenthood and friends moving to further their career or to be closer to extended family brings the party to an end.

I work with so many men who don’t feel as if they have any real friends: they might have mates with whom they socialise, but often feel that they can only share their highs and jokes. They are lacking in those deep connections where you reveal your vulnerabilities and share your life journeys.

You sound like a very sociable person who’s had a great time. You also sound like a loving man who likes to be in a relationship. I wonder, though, how well you know yourself, beyond long term relationships and being sociable?

I also wonder whether you regret ending your relationship a couple of years ago because she was the right person for you, or whether it’s because you don’t like being alone?

You sound very clear that you are using dating apps to distract and fill in gaps in your week, and fill your life with fixes of connection. It doesn’t sound like you’re hoping to meet a partner this way, if at all. Is that because you still have feelings for your ex? Are you remembering your day-to-day together, or romanticising the highs and forgetting the lows? This is worth examining: two years is a long time to regret a decision.

If you’re sure you made a mistake then I’d recommend getting back in touch with your ex girlfriend, simply to let her know. This might help you find peace with the end of this relationship, rather than being drawn back to the past. It is hard to live in the here-and-now and consider new romantic relationships if your heart is still living in 2022.

I understand how isolated and lonely you might feel now your social life has shrunk. It sounds as if you’ve gone full circle into a part of your youth where you’re flat sharing, but this time, your flatmates aren’t on tap for company and connection.

There is also an invitation in the space and time you have for yourself, for the first time in your life. You have the chance to get to know yourself, beyond your old friendship groups and former relationships, and really examine who you might be growing into, what you value, what you truly need in your life, what you can let go of – and how you wish to live beyond the party. You’ll learn who you are when no one else is around. By pursuing your passions, you’re likely to meet people with whom you connect and open yourself up to deep friendships.

Feeling really alone as you change gear in life – which it sounds like you are – is a very normal sentiment. There are so many men in similar positions at your age.

In my men’s groups, many people have said they’ve found it scarier to hang out with new friends – or even know how to ask other men to hang out – than going on a date. The way through is to do the things you love to do, and see who’s around enjoying similar things. What do you enjoy? Would you like to play rugby again, or discover new sports? Is there a subject you’d like to learn more about, a skill that you’d like to conquer or a creative practice you’d like to develop?

A regular in-person course will also give you structure and contact with new people, which might feel especially rewarding at this time. Are you involved with your community or helping others? This is a meaningful way to connect, and develop your sense of purpose and passion. I’m so happy that you’re close with your siblings – you might decide you’d like to spend more time together. Stay away from isolating in your bedroom and be available to life.

Do remember that real friends can be few and far between. Robin Dunbar’s famous research into friendship suggests that five deep relationships is the optimum number for humans (though we can have up to 15 good friends and sustain 150 casual friendships). For many, our families and communities have kept things on the surface and none of us can be blamed for not knowing how to take this next step from mates who are around to socialise into deep friendships, belonging, growing and laughing together.

What male role models are there in your life? Do you have men in your life who have already navigated the change from youth to established adult life? You might find it helpful to learn from their experiences of getting to know themselves.

There’s a social pressure surrounding New Year’s Eve, especially when you’re young, to celebrate with friends. I remember feeling it should be the ‘best night of the year’. One of the benefits of getting older is that I no longer feel – nor especially care – about these social pressures.

But this year, I wonder whether you might celebrate yourself. You could list all your highs of love and connection, fun and growth – those moments on the rugby pitch, at parties, at work, in love, overcoming challenges. As you remember and celebrate those past experiences, I’d encourage you to be open to the future, to who and what life might bring, to new experiences.

Please don’t feel that you have gone wrong in any way, this is the beginning of your next chapter. I wish you a fulfilling 2025.