I dread time with my wife – after 10 years I’ve become an emotional babysitter

'I feel like my role is to support her and it’s exhausting,' says the reader (Photo: Galina Zhigalova /Getty)

Firstly, let me reassure you that the vast majority of us will find elements in long-term partners a little irritating.

But I’m not sure that this is quite what you’re describing. Is it a little bit annoying, or do you find it infuriating? It can be very hard, if you are coming from a mindset of wanting to fix problems, when someone else is coming to you with a problem and doesn’t seem able to solve it – especially if this happens over years. It can also be incredibly frustrating for someone to want to share a problem and to be given solutions when what they want is support and to feel heard and understood. So while you’re both communicating with each other, if you’re not connecting, you might feel more and more misunderstood.

It is quite understandable that you want the problem – and this could apply to any ongoing problem – fixed so it will go away. But it can also come across as quite unempathetic if say, she is being bullied at work, or has been trying to find a new job and is struggling in the current market. I do believe that listening to our partners is hugely important in a relationship, though this should ideally be a two-way street and you should feel listened to also.

I find it interesting that you say that you’re both not happy together: do you know that your partner feels this way too? I only ask because some people find drama in life, whether with work or friends or family, keeps them occupied and engaged. Equally, she might find it easy to adopt a “victim” role in work. She might be unaware that you don’t want these issues to always dominate your home life. It seems that you’ve adopted a babysitting role for your wife’s feelings, but she might not want you to take this on any more than you do.

I would suggest that when she comes home, try listening to her account of the day and the problems she is facing. Ask her whether she wants to be heard, helped or hugged. Then run her a bath or suggest she has a shower so she can wash off the day and hopefully you can enter into an evening that isn’t dominated by the day. If she is unable to do this – and unable to change the work situation she is in – then encourage her to chat to friends or a therapist too.

I wonder if you can separate your partner from her work issues: is it that you’re not excited to see her, or is it that you’re not excited for the issues she’s facing at the moment? Practically, it might be worth carving out some time when you’re spending time together without focusing on these issues. This isn’t to deny the presence of problems, but maybe by doing something special that she loves, or that you used to love doing together, you might be in an environment where you can simply enjoy the present. Rather than focusing on the heavier parts of life, you could focus on the two of you, what is working in your relationship and how you’d like to see your future unfold. This might help you both get some perspective back.

I find it interesting that you say you wish to spend more time alone, but yet you aren’t doing so. You don’t need permission to do this: many people do find that as they start learning about themselves and feel more comfortable being them, they want to spend time on their own. Taking time and space to be with yourself is healthy, as is making time to spend with friends and pursue your interests. You might find that this in itself helps you feel replenished so you can both approach problems from the same side. From there, you can hopefully start rebuilding your relationship.