My wife always goes to bed early to read - now we're in a sex stalemate

'Are separate bed times really to blame for having less sex?' asks Kenny

It’s great that you’re addressing your lack of a sex life, which on the surface you present as a simple matter of timing. If that’s the case, then scheduling sex will resolve these problems. You’re both in your mid-forties – a busy time in most people’s lives, often with multiple responsibilities at work, at home, with extended family. A huge number of couples do the same.

I have sympathy for your wife’s need for sleep and putting time together in your diary, whether at the weekends, early evening or early morning for sex – and other times for dates together – will stop this part of your relationship becoming overlooked. It might feel unspontaneous, but it’s better than you missing out on time together.

Saying that, I wonder if there might be a little more to this? The language of ‘stalemate’ and ‘insisting’ about your wife’s choice to read feels charged.

Marriage is ideally not a strategic chess game, but a partnership. Do you feel she should make more time for sex? Or that you’re not a priority and her reading is more interesting and important than you and your time together?

I wonder if you’re both wanting the other to compromise and are, on some level, digging your heels in. Perhaps you both want to see each other make an effort and show your relationship is important beyond convenience. Have you chatted directly to her about how you both feel in the evenings – and other times in the day and week when perhaps she feels more sexy? Is she more relaxed on weekend mornings, or before getting into bed?

I would recommend you make this part of a broader conversation about hormones. Have you chatted to each other about perimenopause? About the slow decline in hormones that men sometimes experience in their forties too? If not, I’d recommend that you ask her whether she’s been experiencing any hormonal changes over the past year?

Tell her what you know about men and the gradual decline in testosterone during mid life and ask her about menopause. You may already be well-versed in the fact that testosterone drops in women and can reduce sex drive during peri-menopause – and that the NHS prescribes testosterone to women specifically for their sex drive, along with progesterone and oestrogen for HRT. However, you don’t know about your wife’s experiences. One of my friends was so concerned about broaching this conversation that he simply put on Davina McCall’s documentary on perimenopause, and it led to a long overdue chat between him and his wife.

Also, chat about other factors that might be affecting how she feels about sex: how does she feel about her mum? Sadness and worry can feel a long way from flirtiness and fun. Can you offer support with this or other areas of her life? If the weight of responsibility is heavy on her shoulders, offering to lighten it might be the most loving thing you could do.

Does she have time to see her friends? It can be especially hard if many have young children and aren’t very available. How does she feel about this? Strong communication in all areas of life is crucial for a loving relationship and often helps sex lives directly – asking your partner how they’re feeling is a simple way to make time for each other. It can be easy in long term relationships to presume we know what each other are thinking, though it’s very rarely the case and we all appreciate feeling heard. Listening and reflecting back what your wife says is a good practice in building empathy.

Finally, and as hard as it might be to ask: how does she feel about you? You’ve been together over a decade and talk about love, but what about lust? Does she still fancy you? Be curious about her answers, rather than defensive or judgmental. I’d recommend that you chat about the last time you had sex – which at that time you didn’t know would mark a pause. Do you remember it? Was it perfunctory and routine, or joyful and liberating? How does your wife remember it? Let her know how much you still fancy her, if indeed you do.

I hope that open communication with each other will help you feel closer. As you start exploring different times of day and the week to have sex, I’d encourage you both to remember that it’s almost a year since you both have had sex. Your bodies might not feel the same. You might want to take the pressure off to begin with and focus on foreplay. Ask what works for your wife – and what doesn’t. Take the time to find out how you both feel sexually and what you want. Open the floor to experimentation.

Many couples have a sexual hiatus at some point in their lives – by showing empathy and communicating openly with each other, it’s likely to be temporary.