I regret having a second child - we've lost our freedom and identity
27 June 2025
I love my sons hugely – one is a brilliant, funny three-year-old, and the other has just turned one. I would say I’m responsible, reliable and attentive – my partner often comments on what a great dad I am. That just makes this admission worse: I sometimes secretly wish we hadn’t had our second child.
I really miss my old life where I didn’t have to feel responsible every second of the day. I miss feeling free and relatively untethered. Now, I feel like my entire identity is just parent, dad, care-giver. I didn’t feel like this with our first, but since we’ve had our second son, H, the thought crosses my mind about once a week – that I was so much happier, rested and felt like myself when we just had one. I feel so ashamed and guilty. I absolutely cannot tell my partner. I find myself convinced that a terrible tragedy is about to happen and it will be all my fault for thinking negative thoughts.
I’ve lost my life outside work, my friends are disappearing because being a parent is so all-consuming, and sometimes it feels like I’ve lost my partner too. We used to have a laugh together, now she’ll talk absolutely endlessly about our sons. What do I do? Help me.
"I was so much happier, rested and felt like myself when we just had one" (Photo: Getty)
Shame is normal – you’re not a bad person
It’s so understandable that you feel shame surrounding these emotions. So many of the fathers who have spoken to me about how they wish for an easier life, or have regrets over having as many children, are heavy with shame.
These moments of regret, sadness or overwhelm are real. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, nor that this is how you feel all the time. But you’re best to acknowledge and speak about these emotions rather than pushing them down and feeling anger, sadness, resentment.
When you have moments – as we all do – of wanting your needs to come first, you’re in conflict. Sometimes it feels like a life with no choice, filled with kids’ parties or soft play or 6am wake-ups, whether or not we enjoy them.
It’s OK to miss your wife
On the one hand, it sounds like you’re always on duty, while on the other you clearly miss the affection and attention of your wife. I’ve seen men slip into unconscious sibling rivalry with their children, trying to get the attention of their partner and becoming an extra child rather than holding children safe during this stage of life. I’m not sure their attention-seeking is ever welcomed by partners, however understandable it might be.
It sounds to me like your second son, who you acknowledge you love hugely, showed up at a time when you were exhausted and needing a break, rather than full of energy ready to start all over again with sleepless nights.
I relate hugely to the feeling that something bad might happen and it will be all my fault: it is such a heavy load to carry and to carry it alone dominates your mind.
There are three things that I believe will help you hugely – and your relationships with your sons and partner.
Talk about how you’re feeling
Firstly, start talking about how you’re feeling. This doesn’t need to be to your partner, you might want to go to counselling, or a men’s group where many other people will have had the same thoughts. Or else chat to friends who might be thinking the same thing. By expressing your feelings, they’ll feel less heavy to carry and lessen the shame.
Many people feel similarly, and this doesn’t make you a bad person or bad parent. Rather, it’s your mind’s way of highlighting that you’re missing something – perhaps that sense of occasional freedom – and telling you you’re not taking care of your own needs.
Carve time for your identity again
Secondly, plan in time for yourself. Book in one or two times a week when you can have some leisure time to yourself. This might be going to the pub, having a walk in nature, taking part in a sport you love. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s about leaving your responsibilities at the front door and having some time where you can think of yourself.
If possible, book occasional weekends away. You might find that attending to your needs replaces those feelings of regret. Importantly, ask your partner if she’d like the same. This might be transformative for your relationship with each other.
Date your wife again
Finally, book in time with your wife. Arrange a date. Find out how she’s feeling: does she ever feel overwhelmed or miss things she used to do? Have you told her what a good parent she is? We can feel any manner of seemingly conflicting emotions: fulfilled and overwhelmed, love and boredom, worry and contentment. What did you used to laugh about?
I’d recommend you ask what you can do to support her more. Taking responsibilities off her will free up her time so she has more headspace to connect with you and think beyond the children, too. And remember: this is a very intense period but it is also short term.