I'm 61 and my wife wants a divorce - I regret everything I didn't do

27 January 2025

My wife and I have been in and out of couples therapy because she says she no longer loves me. It started with her opening up to me over a year ago, saying she was no longer physically attracted to me and needed me to get into shape in addition to working less and making more of an effort with our relationship. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard all this.

I fell off my fitness goals because work got busy, and I sometimes struggle with forming new habits, but at the time I didn’t get any indication that me failing to stick to my new diet and exercise were causing her to fall out of love with me.

Breaking point was when we got into a huge fight at a friend’s son’s wedding and I snapped at her when she kept pressuring me to dance. I was self-conscious that I looked fat in my suit. We left the wedding shortly after and this is when she told me she didn’t love me anymore; that I had stopped making an effort with her; that life was too short; that “you never want to do anything and are miserable” and she still has her whole life to live.

After the fight I suggested couples therapy. She told the therapist that I had failed as a husband and let her down when she had made it clear what she needed from me. At this point, she mentioned that divorce was on the table and she had been discussing it with her own therapist for “a while”. Now, despite my pleading, she says it’s too late and she’s looking to engage a lawyer. I wish I hadn’t waited until the point of no return to get my life together. I took everything for granted.

The thought of re-entering the dating pool this late in my life fills me with fear – if my wife leaves me I just know I’m going to die alone.

‘It can be very difficult to love someone else when our own self-worth is low,’ says Kenny (Photo: Kseniya Ovchinnikova/Getty)

I’ve re-read your letter several times because I’m struck by an absence within it: you make no reference to your feelings towards your wife. Do you love her? I get the impression that your fear here is dying alone rather than missing the love of your life.

I wonder how much effort you feel you’ve put into meeting her needs and growing as a person throughout your relationship – and particularly over the past year? I hear that she’s asked you on multiple occasions to put more into your relationship – you say it isn’t the first time you’ve heard this – and I wonder if something has stopped you from prioritising your relationship and your partner when this sounds like a reasonable request that she’s been clear is important for her?
I hear what you’re saying about feeling self-conscious about your body and your weight, especially at a wedding. It sounds like she’s asked you to make changes to your lifestyle and you’ve focused on the weight aspect of her requests. When taken in isolation, this suggests a certain superficiality to the relationship and I wonder if this rings true to you, or whether this is a wider problem of you showing up for her, being with her, making an effort for her? Do you genuinely think this is about your weight and looks, or more about your behaviour?

Firstly, I think you need to do some very honest soul-searching to identify why you’re finding it so hard to make changes in your life. What have you learnt about yourself from couples therapy? Is one of the barriers to change a lack of love or genuine respect for your wife? Is it the case that you’ve taken your relationship for granted and presumed she will always be there? Or is it a lack of love for yourself?

It can be very difficult to love someone else when our own self-worth is low. Is your mental health having an impact on your fitness goals? Are you neglecting both yourself and your wife because taking care of yourself is something you never learnt? I am a similar age to you and self-care wasn’t something modelled by older generations in my, or my peers’, early lives – we’ve had to learn this as adults. Or are you someone who is used to avoiding effort until the absolute last second, whereupon you can reliably pull it out of the bag? I’d recommend reflecting on your own childhood and see whether this was something you learnt from a young age.

I can’t tell you whether it’s too late for you and your wife – it certainly sounds like she feels like she hasn’t been heard for a long time and is serious about getting a divorce, and has given the decision a lot of consideration. What I can say is that if you want any chance of this relationship working in the future then do it in the name of love rather than fear. Do it with the acceptance that love means wanting the best for your wife, whether that’s being with you or not – something far easier said than done. And do it in the knowledge that you are making changes for yourself, regardless of whether she wants to be with you or not.

What are your longer-term plans for your life? Do you want to slow down your work and retire? Can you bring those plans forward so you can start dedicating your time to yourself, and possibly your relationship?

Whether it’s over or not, making these changes in your life will never be a waste of energy or time. In our sixties, it is critical that we put exercise, nourishment, sleep and good health – including social health and love – at the top of our list of priorities, otherwise it will be too late. If you find it hard to build new habits, I’d recommend habit stacking: your current habits are already wired into your brain, so it is easier to link a new habit to an older one – for example, take a multivitamin after brushing your teeth; do five star jumps after your morning shower or take time to catch up with a partner when you get home from work.

If you are certain that this relationship is what you want, I would ask your wife for six months for you to grow into yourself before she files for divorce. It’s important that when you communicate it to your wife you let her know that not only are you making changes for yourself, but also that you regret how slow you’ve been to prioritise your health and relationships – particularly with her – and that you respect her decision if it is too late and want the best for her future. Be honest with her if your mental health or stress is having an impact on your behaviour, and how you plan to tackle this too.

My final word is one of caution: if your wife needs more love than you can give, and really you just want someone with whom to relax at home and rub alongside while making minimal effort, then any changes you make will be short-lived.

You’ll find yourself in the same situation again a few months or years down the line. If this is the case, please put your energy into building a life for yourself in which you don’t feel, as she says, miserable. I understand your fear of being alone, but you might find that you learn a lot about yourself from being single, even for a brief period of time. Also, do keep in mind that there are many people dating at 61 – it’s not too late to meet someone who wants to share a similar lifestyle as you.

You may have got to the point of no return in your marriage, but you haven’t got to the point of no return in your life.