My wife has banned me from talking about my career

‘Does she feel left out because she doesn’t have a career and sacrificed her own progression for motherhood?’ asks Kenny (Photo: Sneksy/Getty)

I can sense your frustration from your letter at feeling like you’re having to self-censor. Before your indignation grows, I’d ask you firstly to consider who else you talk things through with apart from your wife? Do you have friends, colleagues, a therapist, or a men’s group with whom you can talk openly? You’re placing a heavy expectation on your wife if she is the only person with whom you communicate deeply.

I also completely understand your wife’s wish not to talk about heavy subjects last thing at night while winding down – it’s good sleep hygiene not to bring up topics that might unsettle emotions or engage the mind too much and interfere with rest. I also like to wake up gradually and find it jarring being jolted into weighty subjects when I’m still rubbing my eyes.

Having said that, I understand why you feel thwarted in your bid to communicate, particularly over subjects close to your heart. It sounds very tough on you, especially with confusion over what you can talk about.

I would suggest that the first change you can make is a practical one, which is to schedule certain meetings in your diaries to make time to catch up with each other. One of these might be a relationship meeting, where you have dedicated time to celebrate what is really working in your relationship and chat about what might need attention. I would encourage using reflective listening, where you reflect back what you feel you’ve heard so you each know the other person has truly understood your words.

Another meeting might be logistics and general management so your family can function. This might include doctors appointments, parents evenings, playdates and parties – all the admin that goes with having children.

A third meeting can be about deep topics, such as time, money, energy. It sounds like this is an important meeting to schedule weekly or fortnightly, at first at least. Hopefully, this will offer you some reassurance that important subjects for you will be talked about and this also gives your wife some reassurance that these subjects won’t be scattered into conversation at times which are inappropriate for her. It gives you both a chance to approach things calmly.

Ideally, you would be able to chat to your wife about your career during this meeting. I’m curious whether this is genuinely a banned subject, or more of a “not now”. Or is it: “not with me, take it elsewhere”?

It sounds to me like other deep subjects are falling more into the “not now” category, which is solved with timing – but I would suggest that you chat about what each of you consider “deep” because you might have different takes on bedtime-appropriate chat.

With your career, I think it would help you to understand why your wife isn’t happy with the subject. Do you talk about it a huge amount? Do you listen to her? Have you become so career-orientated that she feels her needs aren’t being heard? Does she feel left out because she doesn’t have a career and sacrificed her own progression for motherhood? Is this an especially raw nerve given that she was made redundant recently?

I wonder how much you’ve listened to her over her redundancy: it must have brought up hurt and insecurity. Emotionally, it might feel like a deep rejection. How did she feel about stopping work when she had children? Do you share the same values around money, power, status and contribution to the world? Have you expressed your gratitude to her for taking years away from work, waiting until your five-year-old settled in school to return to her career? Is she holding the children’s hearts while you’re free to pursue your ambitions?

I wonder whether you’ve explained to your wife why it’s important for you to chat about your career. Do you enjoy it? Does talking about it make it worthwhile if you don’t enjoy it? Do you want to navigate concerns with her? Would you appreciate her wise advice? Do be sensitive of your wife’s redundancy if you love it and rave about it, and also that she might find it hard to hear you complaining if you’re not around as much as she wishes.

I do hope that by creating structured time to talk about the deep things in life, it creates the space and freedom for you to enjoy being with the kind and interesting woman with whom you love spending time, and the security for your wife that she isn’t going to be ambushed by a subject when her energy is depleted.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t mention any of these subjects at other times, but it gives you both the option of saying “let’s save this for when we’ve got a scheduled chat” without closing down a conversation permanently.

I hope it also helps remove the sense that you’re walking on eggshells, which sounds like you’re constantly trying to avoid being “in trouble”. This sounds to me like you move to a child state and are fearful that your wife will behave like an angry adult. So much of what we do in the present is an echo through time of our past – does this feeling remind you of moments in your childhood, with your family or at school?

Finally, I would recommend that you also create time in your relationship beyond children and careers, so you can both enjoy each other’s company and the things you love about each other. As you spend more time together, you might find that as your partner realises you don’t prioritise your career over your family, subjects that have felt taboo are back on the table and your relationship is given the space to flourish.