I logged in to my teenage son's laptop. What I found made me feel I've failed him as a father

Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz: ‘Puberty is a bumpy and hard to navigate process – often for parents too’ (Photo: Getty)

 I understand your distress, and want to reassure you that your son hasn’t turned into anything: he’s 14 and going through puberty, a bumpy and hard to navigate process – often for parents too. Our teenage years are a time of experimentation when we look to others, and frequently reject our own parents’ values and morals as we strive to become independent. This is both healthy and important.

Having said this, incel culture is deeply concerning. While many parents dismiss it as a brief phase that teenagers tend to swiftly outgrow, I don’t believe misogyny can ever be trivialised.

Instead, I recommend meeting your son where he is, while developing tolerance to monosyllabic replies. Your attempts at connection might not feel reciprocated as you’d wish in an adult relationship, because your son is not yet an adult. Continuing to be there and be interested in him with loving but firm boundaries creates a secure base for him to develop his own identity, rejecting and accepting the values he chooses. Chatting in a car or while walking, when you’re side-by-side, can feel less confrontational and might encourage him to open up.

Take up a healthy hobby together with good male role models

Find common areas of interest and spend one-to-one time with him regularly, doing something he enjoys, preferably physical and social. One of my clients started climbing with his son, who then started to admire older climbers both at their local centre and watching online; another’s son will only engage with him as they drive to the table tennis club, another has just taken his son to see the Lionesses.

At 14, your son needs screen time guidance. I’m sure he will be annoyed and possibly enraged, but his brain isn’t developed enough to create those boundaries himself (and as so many of us find as adults, it’s very hard even with a mature brain). This might involve keeping all screens downstairs or turning internet access off a couple of hours before bed time. Phones don’t need to be in bedrooms and switching them off overnight is healthy. Make sure you are modelling what you want to see: if you want conversations at the dinner table, make sure the whole family has phones away. Can you join him when he’s on his screen sometimes – suggest playing games together or watching good films together?

I hear that you encourage respectful, equal behaviour. Is this reflected in your home? Do you regularly appreciate your wife in front of your son? Does she appreciate you? If you split the running of your home along more traditional lines, with her taking on more than half of the domestic load (which still happens in the majority of homes), explain why this is, emphasising it’s not because women are more suited to domesticity. Can you even up the load? Are you as emotionally open as your wife? Explain the evolution of women’s rights and men’s roles to your son and how damaging old fashioned stereotypes of masculinity are for both men and women. Also that girls are to befriend and not fear, with no pressure to do anything to or with them, irrespective of how the other boys might act, online and in real life.

I’d also recommend that you ask both your son and his school what’s being taught about incel culture. Most are discussing Andrew Tate and the manosphere openly with students. Is there a mentoring system within the school community? Do you have an option to become more involved with the school, such as through governance? By talking openly with your son at home and asking questions, the more he’s likely to identify the contradictions and lack of logic himself.