I'm 65 and scared to retire - my wife doesn't get it

‘My wife has been putting pressure on me to retire soon so we can move abroad or go on more holidays, but I don’t think I can do it,’ says a reader (Photo: Piksel/Getty)

I feel you have every right to be proud of yourself for doing so well in your life, providing for your family and even helping your daughter buy her first home. I also admire your self-awareness: you’re clear that you gain a sense of purpose from work and are honest about your fears surrounding a lack of identity as you step into your next chapter.

It sounds as if you’ve followed in your parents’ footsteps and see hard work as honourable. I wonder if some of your fears of retirement stem from the belief that not working is in some ways dishonourable, or letting them down? Many of us spend huge amounts of our lives trying to make our parents proud of us, even long after they are dead. I ask you to consider this because while there have been huge positives to your work ethic, there have also been sacrifices in the form of your health, both in your forties and more recently.

I believe that your next purpose in life includes learning to take care of yourself, learning that hard work needs to be balanced with rest – and that this doesn’t make you worth any less. I hope that you might see it as a chance to get to know who you are as you let go of who you no longer need to be. Your strength and resilience has served you well.

Your recent health issues seem to be telling you that you need to put yourself and your wellbeing at the centre of your own life. It sounds like your wife is urging you to do the same. I imagine that concept might seem at best alien to you, and at worst objectionable. Perhaps it might feel easier to stomach if you see it as a time to provide more emotional support for your wife and daughter.

The fear in your letter is utterly understandable; there’s a vulnerability to retirement that is important to acknowledge. Wisely, you are anticipating this. You are of course right that some people struggle when they stop work with depression, stress and loss of identity – and I’m deeply sorry to hear about your friend who suffered from a stroke. One study found that those in the first year of retirement are 40 per cent more likely to experience a heart attack or stroke than those who kept working. What happened to your dad when he stopped working in the mines? Is this part of your fear?

Do remember – and I feel strongly about this: this isn’t your experience. Your own health concerns have come to the surface while you’re still working at a pace. It might be, in fact, that slowing down boosts your health. While it is natural to feel fearful, I believe that if you accept that sense of trepidation, which is entirely natural and take the pressure off yourself, you’ll gain a sense of curiosity and be able to start your retirement with an open heart.

Even for those whose work ethic isn’t as ingrained as yours, retirement can be a shock to the system and it removes structure, camaraderie and community from your life. I recommend that you start making sure you’re building these up in other areas of your life so you have a support network and good friends around. It is completely normal to grieve the end of your working life as you move to a new life stage.

I’m pleased to hear that your wife wants to spend more time with you, and perhaps you can plan things you can do together and old hobbies you can take up again, either together, with friends or on your own – these are often a great way of meeting more people. Do consider the value from volunteering, which is a different form of providing within your community. Perhaps as someone who likes to provide, you might want to organise trips abroad with your wife.

Your concerns that you won’t know who you are any more are so valid: this is a step into the unknown. This is a phase of exploration, rather than of making big decisions. I’d see it like walking through a forest – if a path looks inviting, walk down it and check it out – it doesn’t matter if it becomes thorny, you can easily return to the main path. Follow life’s lead and explore so you can feel your way into a joyful retirement where you are a role model for your daughter by putting your needs first.

In years to come, you and your wife might decide to live abroad together but I would recommend taking your time, dipping your toe in many waters, and making sure that before you make any big moves you’d be able to build local friendships and feel part of the community. It’s also important to consider how you’d feel about living away from your daughter.

I’d also recommend that you explain to your wife why this feels so overwhelming to you and ask her to listen to what you’re going through. This includes explaining how deep rooted the sense of the importance of hard work is to you – and how retirement involves rethinking this.

I suspect that there’s a voice in your head – perhaps of your parents – talking about the importance of hard work. Do remember that this voice comes from their fear of not having any of life’s comforts and insecurities that they will be able to do anything more than survive. These comforts and that security is something that you have provided, not only for yourself but for your daughter too, so it’s time to re-evaluate. Maybe it’s time to challenge the idea of what your parents told you and understand the value of taking care of yourself. Do you find you judge people on how hard they work? Have you questioned whether you have workaholic tendencies – the most acceptable, often admired, addiction in our society and still a form of escape.

I’d also ask you to listen to your wife: at this stage of life she might be placing more value on the importance of emotional support that you can provide rather than financial support. Even if you don’t agree with her, by showing that you’ve listened to what she’s saying – repeating back what she’s communicating to you – she’ll feel heard and this in turn helps to have a solid partnership and build a sense of togetherness. It sounds like she wants new adventures with you and wants you to accept the change that is taking place and start preparing to move on.

I hope that by seeing the first part of retirement as a phase of exploration, with nothing to fix because nothing is broken, and no firm decisions to make, you’ll find this stage is less about thinking things through and more about feeling what is good for you.