My wife scrolls on her phone while I'm talking - it's so rude

‘I know it’s a minor thing but it makes me feel unheard and ignored’ (Photo: PonyWang/Getty)

I’m struck that you describe being unheard, sped up and sometimes ignored as minor. This sounds pretty major to me.

You’re very clear that you find it rude that your wife scrolls while you’re chatting, but had you noticed this before the conversation with your daughter? Or had you just ignored how it made you feel, glossing over it so you have few complaints in your marriage?

Do you know why your wife acts this way when you’re talking? Does she feel she knows your every thought and feeling? Is she intolerant of you, or so enthusiastic to continue with a conversation that she speeds things up? Is part of the dynamic of your relationship a sense of her being given the lead role and you filling in the gaps?

It’s so common for people in long-term relationships that span decades to second guess their partners. But this has the effect of limiting you to who you used to be and what you used to think, restricting you to previous patterns with very little space for feelings, aside from the frustration that both you and your daughter experience.

Ask your wife why she doesn’t listen to you. Explain that you find this upsetting. If you can, let her know what emotions you feel: do you feel belittled, disregarded, unimportant? Does she feel like she’s heard it all before? Is she conscious that if you’re in company, your friends – or hers – might be hearing your anecdote for the first time? Why do they need rushing? Does she find your stories and anecdotes uninteresting? What does she find interesting about being with you?

Are these stories so long tried-and-tested that she genuinely has heard them many times before? Do you dominate conversations when she’d like to hear from lots of people? Do you spend so much time together that she’s craving the company of others?

Listen to what your wife tells you. I’d recommend that you take the time to reflect back what she is saying, rather than leap to reply, so she feels really heard and so that you can check that you’re not misunderstanding her. If you model this, it will encourage her to follow and reflect back what you’ve said to her. Her behaviour might be borne out of her own frustrations so I’d encourage you to ask if there are things she’s been finding hard, too.

I hear you about scrolling. I find it so strange that people who scroll while listening tend to do it to those they are closest to, as if they know them so well that it doesn’t matter. It’s a huge disconnector and kills the intimacy of important relationships – and if you can afford to give a stranger your attention you can certainly afford to give it to someone you love.

Why don’t you ask her to avoid scrolling while you’re chatting? This is a reasonable request and I’d encourage you to voice your needs. Some of this behaviour might be done unconsciously by your wife; you might be pleasantly surprised to find she can easily change it if you bring attention to it.

I wonder whether you’ve felt cautious about voicing complaints, struggles and requests throughout your life. So often our patterns in relationships in the here-and-now are more about our past than the present. Were you the youngest or shyest or most compliant in your family of origin? Was it a volatile environment where it was wise not to make waves? If this is the case, can you cast your mind back to when you learnt to keep quiet: how did it make you feel?

I’d take some time to think if there are other requests you might have of your wife – and explore together with her if there are requests she might make of you. If you communicate openly, you might ask yourselves what is good between you? What do you appreciate? What do you want more of? Are there things you’d like to do to feel more connected, more playful or more intimate? How do you both want your relationship to grow and what do you want outside of your relationship?

I hope this might be the start of a new phase of your relationship, one where your wife and you both listen to each other and neither of you minimise your own feelings and needs but instead learn to voice them. Listening is key to healthy communication and a strong connection.