My wife keeps criticising my weight

‘I feel like everything she says is a put down or a dig at me,’ says the writer (Photo: SolStock/Getty)

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight this year. Work has been stressful, we recently moved to be closer to my wife’s family (we’re in our 30s and hope to have children in the next couple of years), and I’ve left behind my friends and life in London.

I didn’t really notice I had become bigger until my wife started to make comments. At first she mentioned she was joining the local gym and that I should go with her. Then she became more insistent with asking me to go, and now it’s a bit more cutting.

I’ll put on a shirt and she’ll say: “Oh, not that one, it’s a bit small for you.” Or she’ll glare at me if I go to the fridge for a snack. The other day, she talked about another man at work who “plays tennis three times a week and looks so great” – and how she finds that really admirable. I feel like everything she says is a put down or a dig at me.

It’s making me dread Christmas and being able to enjoy Christmas dinner. How can I tell her to stop and that it makes me feel terrible?

I wonder what’s behind your wife’s comments about your weight and whether they reflect concerns about you, or concerns about herself. Your wife might fear for your health and at some level she might be trying to keep you fit and healthy, so you can live long and have the best chance of starting a family.

She might also fear aging as her own body starts to change and she’s putting this on you. Body image – and body dysmorphia – is a huge issue for both women and men, with society suggesting looking a certain way is ideal.

Does she want to show she’s returned home with a man who’s the catch of a century? Are your wife’s family and friends’ values focused on looks and weight? She might think this is more important now she’s surrounded by them.

Have you asked her about her intention in making weight-related comments? She might come across as cutting, but maybe behind this her intention is caring.

It sounds as if you have a healthy relationship with your body: you say you didn’t really notice that you were putting on weight. I hear you with work being stressful, a lot of people unconsciously turn to food to manage stress. I wonder whether you’ve considered that it might not simply be stress that’s leading to your weight gain, but that food might also be a way to avoid feelings of isolation or loneliness. I can’t imagine that moving away from the area you called home, with your friends and old life so far away, has felt easy for you. So many people unconsciously avoid their emotions by digesting food rather than feelings.

It’s possible that your wife wants you to go to the gym to make new friends. It’s even possible that the man who plays tennis three times a week is someone she hopes you might befriend. This might be her attempt at inspiring you to take charge of your physical health and get out in your new community. But however well intentioned her comments, the result is that you felt put down.

Of course explain to your wife how her comments make you feel. I’d recommend doing so today – and being clear that when she is critical of your body and compares your physique to others, it makes you feel awful. Ask her to be more supportive with her words so you feel as if you’re on the same side. I would be upfront with her about how it’s making you feel about Christmas, a time you want to relax after a year with a huge move and work stresses.

I strongly feel that your physical and social health need attention. Whether your wife is having to dig because of her own insecurities and needs, or whether she’s coming from genuine care and concern, I’d recommend you use this as a catalyst to take charge of looking after yourself and building a life where you now live so you don’t feel that yours is left behind.

What did you do in London with your friends and for exercise? Whether it was cycling, playing tennis or walking, following your own interests can be a great way of meeting people with a similar mindset. What elements of your London life can you replicate now? If you spent time volunteering, for example, have you looked up similar charities in your new area? Or do you have interests you’ve always wanted to explore? Now might be a good time.

Getting involved in your community is often a swift way to connect with others and gain a sense of belonging. Have you met colleagues who you connect with , with whom you can share the stresses of your role – or simply socialise with? Sometimes it only takes one kindred spirit in an organisation to give a greater sense of belonging. I’d also recommend that you make time for trips to London to see your friends while they’re still there (many might also move closer to their extended families in years to come, as they consider starting families).

I remember the days where I believed I had no time for exercise because I was so busy trying to keep up with work, and at some level I didn’t feel I had the right to stop work to look after myself. I now realise it is a necessity for me, like eating good food, sleep and hydration. Would you be able to make your physical health more of a priority? Exercising helps calm my mind which, in turn, helps work flow and for me to make connections way beyond my logical mind, which can be prone to overthinking.

It might be a cliché to join a gym after Christmas, but it’s also a time when many fitness clubs offer reduced membership to tempt new clients. If you have a workout of choice, or classes you might want to do with your wife, perhaps it’s worth belatedly taking her up on her suggestions and frame it as getting healthy together in preparation for starting a family. This hopefully will help both of you feel on the same side, rather than health creating a rift between you. If you do start exercising together, I’d recommend you make sure to narrate how it makes you feel so your conversations around health will take a more positive turn.

If going to the gym or fitness classes doesn’t feel right for you – which I totally understand – then I wouldn’t recommend it. Instead, if you do want to focus on your health more in 2025, then I’d recommend deciding what steps you want to take, whether that’s healthy snacks in the fridge or no takeaways, and have a conversation as soon as possible about it with your wife.

I’d also be clear about a date you’re committing to start, to prevent any barbed comments between now and then.

Finally, Christmas. Enjoy it! If you speak to your wife before, I sincerely hope it won’t cross her mind to spend her day weight-watching by proxy. You certainly don’t need any added pressure of watching your waistline.