I don’t like my partner’s friends - their conversations are so superficial

‘While you don’t need to learn to like your partner’s friends, it might make your relationship easier,’ advises Kenny (Photo: Getty)

Dear PB,

I’m struck by how strong your reaction is to your partner’s friends as you get an overwhelming sense of wanting to escape. I wonder if being around them reminds you of a time when you felt left out and excluded from a group, or felt like you were an outsider or were somehow wrong or judged for your interests?

I recommend you spend some time trying to identify if you’ve felt this way before at a different time, with a different group. When our reactions to a situation are unusually strong, it’s often the weight of incidents in the past amplifying our reaction in the present.

It sounds as if you feel vulnerable with this group. When I find myself in a vulnerable social situation, I tend to look inward and wonder if people find me boring, or not funny. So I know it’s easier said than done, but I’d encourage you to look outward: rationally, they will want to connect with you too.

While you don’t need to learn to like your partner’s friends, it might make your relationship easier if you recognise their positive traits. It might even be that there are one or two with whom you get on better.

Have you spoken to your partner about how they feel about their friends? What does their fun side represent? Do they want to throw off responsibilities at the weekend and indulge in some silliness? Do their friendships run deeper than this – you describe these people as “chosen family” – do they feel a sense of belonging around them?

I’d ask you to also consider your own friendships – do they give you a sense of belonging? Do you tend to socialise in big groups or do you find navigating a crowd of people harder than one or two? If you find big groups overwhelming, it might partly be the situation that’s triggering your wish to escape. Have you explored the lighter side of your own personality, where you too can set down the cares of the world briefly, whether through socialising, sport, escaping in a book or video games?

Once you understand what your partner values in these friendships, can you approach socialising with their friends with a more curious mindset? Either by looking out for those positive traits your partner sees and enjoying their happiness, or by seeing it as a trip into a different culture where you experience other people’s lenses on the world. This doesn’t mean joining their weekly catch ups, nor abandoning yourself, but looking outward, rather than solely asking: “What does this say about me?”

Chat to your partner about the ideal balance in socialising together. It might be that you join monthly, or for a drink at the beginning or end of the night. Perhaps use this time to catch up with your own friends, or sign up to a course or fitness class. It might be a time to explore your own carefree side in your own way?

I’m glad you’re asking yourself whether you feel threatened by these friendships. Perhaps on some level you do: this history and loyalty between your partner and their friends might feel heightened as you struggle to connect. In evolutionary terms, feeling like an outsider was a threat because we all relied on the safety of the pack. It’s much more healthy to acknowledge any uncomfortable emotions to yourself, such as feeling threatened, rather than suppress them.

Even if you feel discomfort, remember the importance of these friendships. You will never be your partner’s “everything” – these people play a valuable role in bringing out a side of them they enjoy. Encourage their friendships and be grateful they fulfill this gregarious role so you can focus on being yourself.