My wife has started getting botox and fillers - I've stopped finding her attractive
20 June 2025
I still remember the first time I saw my wife – she was a real classic beauty. We met at work, fell in love pretty much straight away and have now been together for over 17 years. I’m still blown away by her looks. I see other men – young and old – checking her out and it secretly makes me happy.
Recently though, she and her group of old university friends have started getting beauty procedures done, and she looks less like herself every day. It started with “a bit of botox“, and now it’s filler in her face and lips. She comes back bruised and bleeding, it looks awful. The other day I saw her in the kitchen in daylight after I hadn’t seen her properly in a week because of late nights at work, and her face genuinely looked weird – like an alien with a surprised expression and gigantic lips that look too big for her face. I’ve told her she doesn’t need to do all that and I love her the way she is, but she said it’s her choice and I will never understand because I’m a man.
The thing is, I don’t find it attractive at all. Even kissing her with these silly ballooned lips makes me feel a bit weird – grossed out even. I’m scared it’s going to get more and more extreme until neither of us recognises her anymore – what can I say to her?
“Her face looks genuinely weird – but she says it’s her choice and I’ll never understand because I’m a man” (Photo: Constantinis/Getty)
You seem to be very preoccupied with looks
You clearly appreciate your wife’s natural beauty and are blown away by her appearance. I hear how proud you are to see other men checking her out, making you the envy of others.
Many men experience this, feeling better about themselves as their status is elevated: “I must be okay: they chose me.” I’d caution that being on the receiving end can feel like objectification: no one wants to feel reduced to a winnable prize.
I appreciate that you’re writing to me about beauty, but you don’t mention anything about your wife’s personality. This emphasis on looks makes me unsurprised that she too is preoccupied by appearance. Society as a whole has objectified women for far too long – and men get objectified too. While I’m sure this isn’t your intention, I wonder if she feels this message is reinforced at home.
Beyond her beauty, why did you both fall in love? Have you told her lately all the characteristics about her that you love? When you compliment each other, is it always about looks or does it go beyond externals?
I’m guessing that you feel like you’ve signed up to grow old together, rather than stay young forever – or maybe ageing has never crossed your mind? If her personality hasn’t changed, I’d recommend you focus on who she is, not how she looks. You might find her focus naturally changes, too.
Fear of ageing is natural
Your wife has told you that you’ll never understand her experiences because you’re a man. Acknowledge that she’s right: you’ll never feel, as some women do, that your value is summed up in your external image. Nor the feeling many women report of fading into invisibility.
I wonder if these treatments are because your wife wants to remain visible. I’d encourage you to chat together about ageing: your fears, your plans, your hopes. Are you looking forward to growing older together?
There’s a narrative in society that men are “visual” creatures: how does this affect your wife? Does she fear you’ll be less attracted to her as she ages? Does she too appreciate men’s glances? Is she feeling peer pressure to keep young from university friends?
Consider her family of origin: if her dad or other significant men left their partners in their forties or fifties and started new relationships with younger women, she might have added insecurities about this life phase.
Communicate with care not judgment
Listen to your wife. Express your concerns about the pain and bruising she’s experiencing. Show you love her for who she is, whether she’s ageing naturally or not. Emotional support and acceptance counts for everything, especially if she’s having a tough time.
The enemy here is not injectables, but the pressures women face. Communicate your care while making sure not to belittle her choices: they’re not “silly”, they most probably come from fear. This means accepting her for who she is and how she feels right now.
If she’s decided this is how she wants to approach her ageing – and keep in mind this might be a very brief phase of mid-life experimentation – then support her to go to a reputable beautician so side-effects are minimised. Contribute to the cost if that helps.
More than eight million women have “tweakments” each year, they’re incredibly common: it’s only when they’re done badly that the recipient starts looking like Mickey Rourke.