I’m 47 and my new girlfriend is in her 20s - how do I get friends to take us seriously?

‘Why do you need your friends to accept and respect your new young girlfriend and play happy couples?’ asks Kenny (Photo: Oliver Rossi/Getty)

It sounds like your friends are very important to you and that you’re feeling disappointed that they haven’t immediately adopted your new partner into their group – and that this has a strong sting because your ex-wife’s new partner seems to have been accepted.

I’d ask you to step into your friends’ shoes for a moment. Maybe they’re grieving the couple that they knew and need space to get to know and accept your girlfriend, or not.

You don’t know what they feel: for all we know, some of them might find it’s led them to question their own relationships or feeling threatened that their partners might follow suit. Some might judge you as being hoodwinked by someone looking for a more mature man to look after them – and they don’t know how to have a conversation with you about their fears.

Some may feel threatened by her youth and vibrancy, especially if they’re concerned about their own aging. They might not trust that you’re going to be together for good and feel they need time before investing in her, if they see her as the catalyst for your separation rather than a forever partner.

Or they might feel that she’s immature, or that she’s trying too hard to be included. Whatever their unsaid feelings, it is a big shift in the friendship group and it sounds like you and your needs are in the middle, feeling rejected and angry at the way your girlfriend is being treated.

Now, consider why your friends’ approval feels so important to you. Why do you feel this need for them to accept and play happy couples?

I wonder if you feel fearful that you might be losing some of this friendship group, or that they’re choosing your ex-wife over you and yours? Do you feel that they’re punishing you for your affair? Or that you no longer quite belong?

When else and with who else in your life have you had this sense of belonging and acceptance? Does their lack of acceptance bring up any feelings of guilt or shame about how you ended your marriage that you’d rather not dwell on?

It’s good to hear you being supportive of your ex-wife and your happiness that she’s moved on from your relationship. Your primary relationship now is with your girlfriend, although it sounds as if your friendship group is important to you. But these are friends and the relationship is conditional: they do not have a responsibility to accept, or reject, your younger girlfriend, but instead a choice.

I’d recommend that you have a conversation with your closest friends and ask how they feel around the two of you as a couple and ask if there is anything they’d like to talk about.

By being respectful of your ex-wife and acknowledging the mistakes you made, you might reassure them if they feel that loyalties have been split. Honesty is the best policy and if they are reluctant to communicate then I’d encourage you to be straightforward. Explain that when you see them rolling their eyes, you feel a wish to protect her, and you’d like to know why they feel such ambivalence towards her.

They have the right to like or dislike people, just as we all do, but listening to what they are saying and trying to understand where they are coming from will help you accept the situation.

Have these conversations as soon as possible: turn your annoyance into curiosity and your fears and frustrations into acceptance. Of course you don’t want your girlfriend to feel uncomfortable at your friend’s wedding and once you’ve heard what they say, you’ll be able to decide whether to bring her or not to join the celebrations.

Have you spent any time grieving your marriage and life you’ve moved on from? Are you focusing on building your new life with your girlfriend? Do you have any mutual friends? What’s your relationship with your girlfriend’s friends? How are they towards you? Do you notice age differences when you spend time with them? How are your extended family with this new relationship?

Within families, love is unconditional, so your relatives will want the best for you and are likely to be more accepting, irrespective of your actions.

By choosing to end your marriage, you have chosen to move on from your old life – and your friends are under no obligation to like or accept your girlfriend. It might feel hurtful that they’re not fully behind you, but that is the nature of friendships and relationships.

You are very much in the eye of the storm now, particularly as you have inadvertently challenged the notion that marriages last forever. What feels mired in complexity now may all feel simple in years to come. However, the sense of belonging that you felt with your friendship group when married – a wonderful feeling – might simply not be possible now.

It may well be an unexpected loss from the breakup of your relationship and a loss that you need to grieve. That sadness can be balanced with the knowledge that you can gain this sense of belonging and acceptance again. Appreciate it when it comes.