I'm addicted to checking my ex's Instagram - I do it every day

'I’d challenge the idea that you have zero feelings towards your ex' says Kenny (Photo: Getty Images)

We’re all weird and wonderful. As for this behaviour, it does sound like an addiction, as you say yourself. I’m impressed that you both want to stop checking your ex’s life and that you recognise that you can’t stop.

I’m also reassured by your timing in tackling this daily check up on your ex. Why are you hiding this from your fiancée? I wonder whether, either consciously or not, it’s because you are aware that starting a marriage with a secret means you’re one step removed from being truly involved with each other as you are not totally present and honest from the outset. Is this the type of foundation that you want to build your relationship on?

I’m interested in why you presume your fiancéemight be furious. Would you be furious if your fiancée was checking her attractive ex-boyfriend’s profile on Instagram every day? Would you be understanding of the goodness that he brings to her life that you can’t? Or would you feel unsettled as if your understanding of your partner is somewhat shaken?

Your fiancée might not feel anger towards you if you confessed your checking of your ex’s life – she might appreciate she’s not custodian of all your needs. She might even be understanding of you following your ex’s adventures and reading the interesting articles she posts with such regularity. Does she know your ex-girlfriend?

You say your break up was amicable – is she still a part of your life outside of the digital world? Or your girlfriend might feel confused, insecure – or, as you have guessed, angry. But I wonder if this projection of her emotions has more to do with your fear of being told off than any insight into her predicted reaction, nor concern and empathy for her sadness and feelings that your relationship is unsafe.

When we go online, things can so easily become more secretive than in our non-digital lives. We can fall down rabbit holes of porn, OnlyFans relationships, extremism, gambling. We can build close relationships through gaming with people we’ve never met in real life. And then there’s stalking and spying on social media, as well as parading and curating one’s life to the public while what’s really going on might be a whole different story.

You say that you don’t find your ex girlfriend attractive, despite being beautiful with a great body, and explain this is nothing sexual. I wonder if that’s where you draw the line with online secrecy? Whether because this is non-sexual, you’ve felt it’s okay to keep it to yourself, whereas if it were sexual – a porn addiction, for example – you’d feel you should tell your partner?

I question the idea that it’s permissible to act differently online than we would in our real world lives. If you wouldn’t check in on her every day by making direct contact, then doing so on social media becomes sneaky peaky behaviour. Similarly, I believe keyboard warriors who hide behind anonymity are usually behaving in a way they wouldn’t dream of doing in real life. If you’re unsure of your behaviour, then checking whether you’d do the equivalent without the shield of a screen is a good way to check your moral compass.

I’d challenge the idea that you have zero feelings towards your ex. Once someone is loved, it’s virtually impossible to completely unlove them – even though this might be clouded by hurt, betrayal and rage. There is usually a thread of love that remains and I want to reassure you that this is totally normal.

What is difficult in your situation is that you’ve created a limbo world where you’re effectively still connected with your ex – even though she doesn’t know it.

This daily checking in on her is a one-sided fantasy relationship where she is on your mind and a background part of your daily life. It also might feel safe because she cannot hurt you with this digital connection in the way she can in the real world. The irony of this is that of course the hurt is being done by taking you away from the present. It sounds to me that you’re now ready to let go of these ties so you can be more available to your fiancée – and, more than that, more available to yourself.

It is possible that you might feel grief giving up this social media relationship that is still very alive for you. Because you’re not just letting go of this relationship, you’ll also be letting go of a part of you that your ex-girlfriend helped to bring alive.

Even as I write this to you now, I feel a sense of sadness and loss because this is an experience that so many of us share at the end of a relationship. I know what that is like – and I know how hard it is to give up on an idea of oneself. I also wonder whether you found the idea of grieving too painful when you and your ex initially split up, and are now in a position to face that loss.

You do have the power to stop this behaviour – if you wish. Why do you want to stop if you think there’s nothing wrong with it? Are you looking for permission to carry on, or someone to tell you to stop? I ask these questions because stopping this behaviour is your own choice – and has to come from you.

It sounds like you’re ready to clean up any unfinished business so you’re truly available for love with a clean conscience and without distraction. It sounds like you saw her as fun, glamorous and interesting: I wonder whether you could find some of those things in you that you allowed her to be for you by exploring life through more curious eyes – and maybe invite your fiancée on expeditions and interesting explorations.

There are three ways for you to stop this addictive checking.

One: Tell your fiancée in a way that does not rupture your relationship. You might want to say that you’ve realised that to be fully present in your relationship your online habits need to change, and this includes not checking out old friends on social media. You can explain that your ex-girlfriend feels like an old friend to you, but it just doesn’t feel right anymore to be in such a committed relationship while looking at her.

Two: Thank your ex for the good times you had together and tell her you’re disconnecting from Instagram.

With either of these women as your witness, I believe you’ll stop feeling any temptation to keep checking up on your ex’s profile.

Or three: Get off social media and engage with real life completely.

All three of these will be effective. As you let go of your ex-girlfriend, there will be more space for excitement in your life, and more room for you and your fiancée.

Finally, once you’ve let go of these ties and ended your relationship with your ex – and have given yourself time to settle into the present rather than journeying into a parallel life each day, I’d ask you to consider your current relationship with your fiancée. Examine whether you have any issues around abandonment or betrayal, or missing the boat.

Check in on yourself whether your fiancée is the relationship you hope will last a lifetime. If you’re unsure then slow down – there’s never a need to rush into a marriage off the back of a breakup, especially one that you might find you need to grieve now.