I'm 66 and retired - but I don't want to care for my grandchildren full time

‘My daughter and her partner have been putting more pressure on me and my wife to move closer to them’ (Photo: Tom Werner/Getty)

It’s always so disappointing when a societal problem affects relationships by putting pressure on families. Childcare is something that many countries in Europe excel at but that remains painfully expensive in the UK.

Your daughter and her partner sound as if they’re overwhelmed, overstretched and I’m guessing overtired – as so many of us are when our children are very young. They are hoping that you might reduce pressure on them by shouldering some of their childcare responsibilities.

I hear how much you love your grandchildren and will do so much for them, but also that you’re very reasonably putting the priorities of your good health and retirement first. Giving up on your dreams and everything you’ve grown to love, including your community which is vitally important for a healthy old age, would be a huge sacrifice to provide regular childcare to your grandchildren.

Families are now scattered across the country, and indeed globe. It’s one thing to offer regular childcare if your grandchildren live around the corner and quite a different one if they live a six-hour drive away.

The area that your daughter’s family lives in might be perfect for her: a lot of properties in run-down areas in London become very valuable swiftly; she believes there are good schools and it sounds as if safety doesn’t alarm her at the moment. But it sounds as if you wouldn’t be comfortable downsizing and moving to an area that doesn’t feel safe. I totally sympathise with that and see it as pragmatic: in a few decades, one of you might be living alone and community and safety are likely to feel even more important then.

As your daughter seems to be fantasising about you stepping in as a knight in childcare uniform, I think it’s important that you empathise with her about the difficulties created by the childcare system in the UK. This is your shared “enemy”, not any individuals in this situation.

I’m curious as to why you feel guilty about your decision not to move. Guilt is useful when it shows you’re behaving out of line with your values. But here it sounds like your boundary is completely reasonable. Are you used to riding in and saving your daughter from any problems she might experience? This is noble and I have no doubt stems from love, but I believe it’s important to let her figure things out herself – that is true independence.

Similarly, as she raises her children, it’s important to step back and ask them how they are going to figure out problems, helping only when necessary. I understand that if this isn’t your traditional relationship dynamic with your daughter and it might feel easier said than done: no parent wants to see their child struggling or unhappy.

Does the guilt stem from an expectation you have that she will similarly sacrifice her life in years to come to look after you in your old age? I would caution that reciprocity is important but my inkling is that you wouldn’t expect her to give up her life any more than you wish to give up your own. Or did your own parents step in when you and your wife were parents of young children and you’re sad not to be able to offer the same level of support?

Either way, I recommend that you chat about this with your daughter. Ask her whether it’s the grandchildren saying they miss you, or whether part of it is that she wishes they had a more traditional family structure with extended family close by. What was her relationship with her grandparents?

I recommend that you talk to her about how you’ve weighed up the decision to move closer to her and that while her family is a huge pull, and you love them hugely, long term you are concerned about feeling isolated, unsafe and you’ll end up feeling more dependent on her at a time when she doesn’t need extra responsibilities. Explain with pride the wonderful coastal community you’ve built for yourselves: it’s amazing how often even grown-up children forget their parents are three dimensional people, and have a life beyond Dad or Mum.

Do check with your daughter that she is happy with the life she’s chosen: it sounds like she’s made excellent choices but the pressures of living in London while bringing up a family can be intense. Just as you respect your daughter for her life decisions, she will hopefully respect you for yours and not try to persuade you to move, which you haven’t weighed up as being best for you.

If she does try to talk you into a move, I’d tell her how much you admire her decision-making and explain that you also won’t put pressure on her to move to be closer to you – though of course she’d be very welcome. Every choice has consequences and an opportunity cost.

In any vulnerable situation, people can behave in a way that otherwise they wouldn’t, perhaps trying to manipulate or use persuasive tactics – such as your day-to-day relationship with your grandchildren. Please remind her that you love and care for her and them.

Before you chat, I’d work out with your partner if there is anything you can offer your daughter to support her at this time. Very soon, your grandchildren will have long school holidays and most UK employers don’t offer six weeks off each summer.

Perhaps the grandchildren could have a week by the seaside; perhaps you’d feel happy coming to stay for a week with them so you could help them out; perhaps if you were considering leaving money to them in your will, you might want to offer them some money now instead to ease the cost of childcare. Extend invitations for the family to come and stay; offer to visit too.

I’d hope that by having a direct conversation, the hints about moving all come out in the open and the lurking guilt you’ve been feeling can fade as you have a chance to explain that it’s a reasonable respect for your own needs that prevents you from moving, not in any way a lack of love for her family.