My wife is pressuring me to downsize but I refuse to give up our family home

"My wife says the house is feeling like a lot of work, that I don’t appreciate how much cleaning it takes to keep it clean" writes a reader (Photo: Getty)

It sounds like you have different ideals for your home life as you grow older together. While you imagine a home filled with family, young children and friends who want entertaining, your wife envisages a quieter lifestyle where she isn’t always hosting.

While you don’t see a straightforward way to compromise at the moment, I think there are a few areas that you can talk about together which might lead to a clear solution.

Firstly, it’s worth exploring whether your wife’s wish to downsize is in any way financial. Are the two of you feeling the pressure of the cost of living with retirement approaching and do you both have a good pension lined up? We all have different ideas of financial security and if you have no money concerns as a couple, then talking through budgeting plans for the next decade and beyond might make her feel more comfortable.

If you do have financial constraints and it would make sense to downsize to free up capital on a home that has appreciated in value, then it doesn’t isolate you from family and friends. You can go out for dinners with friends and visit your children where they live, which takes the pressure off but means you remain connected and don’t lose this valuable, sociable side of life.

Secondly, you say that your wife is talking about how much work she is doing around the home. Is she the person who cleans, cooks and hosts while you enjoy the company of people visiting? She might not have the same energy levels she had in her thirties and forties. If you are not already, can you make sure you’re pulling your weight when it comes to hosting, whether that’s changing sheets or planning menus? Then she might have more time to enjoy people visiting and welcome it more. If money is no concern, perhaps it’s time to employ a cleaner; if you’re entertaining perhaps you can order in food so the pressure lifts.

I think it’s important for you to consider why you want a big home and really examine whether it’s so future grandchildren can stay over, or whether part of it is status? Did your parents have a big home that was filled with extended family and did they frequently entertain? What about your wife’s parents? Often we inherit lifestyles without questioning whether these are what we actually want.

Thirdly, is your wife as sociable as you are? She’s been surrounded by people she loves constantly for decades but, at heart, is she more introverted than you? Does she want to spend time sitting around quietly reading books while you want to entertain? How did she find the chaos of young children and do you think she’ll enjoy having grandchildren staying frequently?

We each thrive on slightly different lifestyles and in the midst of family life with children at home, everyone tends to compromise. She might see this part of her life as a time where she can put herself first. If she values solitude, quiet and calm then it is worth acknowledging, so you can make sure she gets this balance alongside the more-the-merrier welcome that you like to bestow on guests and loved ones.

If you can cater for the lifestyle your wife wants, whether that’s to continue being sociable but without all the preparation, cleaning and cooking; or whether it’s to create quiet times at home to balance out the entertaining, perhaps with you meeting friends out more frequently or offsetting visits to your children and relatives with inviting them to your house, then you might find there is a compromise to be struck where you both keep your home but she feels less a slave to the work it creates or the lifestyle that accompanies it.