I'm 44 and my marriage and job are dull - I regret playing life so safe

Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz: ‘I caution you not to go out and pretend you’re young, free and single, because this is throwing away the life you’ve created’ (Photo: Nastasic/Getty)

 Dear DP,

There’s a time in every person’s life when they have a realisation that they are no longer young: it might be when meeting a friend from years gone by and not immediately recognising this more weathered version of them; it might be as your children become more socially engaged and you realise they’re now the young ones. For you, I wonder if it was your friend’s night time chat about mortgages?

There’s something about losing our youth that can lead us to feel unsettled, on the edge of depression or even rebellion. I found my forties a particularly tough time for this, I think, because I was in a transition period and not fully comfortable with looking in the mirror (both metaphorically and quite literally) and finding a mature man looking back at me.

It sounds to me as if there’s some grieving to be done for your youth, both because it’s now a thing of the past and also for the fact that it wasn’t completely carefree and wild.

So many of us are focused on doing the right thing in our youth that it’s only when we look back, with greater responsibilities on our shoulders, that we wonder why we weren’t more reckless when we could have been. Do you have regrets from your youth? If you could go back in time, what would you do differently? How do you feel about saying goodbye to that stage of your life?

What is actually missing in your life right now?

It’s reassuring that you’re not wanting to blow up all that you hold dear and love to try to throw off these uncomfortable feelings. Are you able to identify your need beyond shaking everything up? Can you identify what it is that’s missing in your life, whether passion, a sense of purpose, a feeling of being valued in society, or a deep connection with friends?

You have a sense of security that many people spend their whole lifetimes trying to create. I wonder if you’re feeling this stifling? Do you feel you’ve sacrificed playfulness for doing this right? Would it help to make space to enjoy some more elements of your youth again? You mention going to gigs: can you make this a part of your life now? Or is there another hobby you’d rather explore?

When was the last time you had a chance to go wild on the dancefloor? All this doing things right can create or suppress a shadow of liberation, fun and freedom. What is fun for you? And with whom do you have unadulterated fun? I caution you not to go out and pretend you’re young, free and single, because this is throwing away the life you’ve created, but instead go out to find out who you are beyond your roles of husband, father and colleague.

Invigorate your relationship with your wife

How can you add some fun to life with your wife? You’ve been together for two decades – that is a love story in itself. Do you remember falling in love with each other? How can you bring back that feeling?

Dedicating some time to each other and having fun can invigorate a relationship: Would you consider buying her tickets for a gig? Or doing something else out of the ordinary? It’s so easy to take relationships for granted, rather than spending time discovering who you’ve both grown into; listening to each other and learning about each other are the fuel to reignite passion.

Find some older role models

Finally, I recommend looking around you for men who are a few years older and seem to be doing it right, balancing maturity and responsibility with a sense of joy and fun. They are inspirational people to befriend and role models to aspire to: if you can see a positive blueprint for life ahead it becomes much easier to emulate – and you’ll gain new friends and important connections along the way.