I love my children - so why does my wife micromanage my parenting?

‘Often, much of parenting behaviour comes from what we experienced as children’ (Photo: Getty)

Dear Resentful,

I hear how undermined you feel and wonder if you might be taking this all too personally.

It sounds as if you’re interpreting your wife’s behaviour as being controlling, which in turn makes you feel that she doesn’t trust you with the children. Instead, I’d encourage you to consider whether it’s her thoroughness in her parental role.

It sounds as if you’re very able and adept at managing your children’s needs and giving them love, dressing them appropriately and remembering sunscreen (or, if you forget it, being resourceful enough to borrow from someone else).

Unless you frequently struggle with childcare basics, then I would interpret her actions as loving protectiveness over the children, and diligence in her parental role, rather than mistrust of you.

Parenting is an incredibly steep learning curve and the responsibility can feel heavy. It might be that your wife feels she ultimately carries responsibility for the children and if you forgot suncream, she’d blame herself for not reminding you.

Many mothers, including those who split childcare equally rather than doing the lion’s share as is the case in your home, still feel responsible for their children’s welfare. For some, this starts during pregnancy when their whole body is in protection mode; for others, it’s society’s hardwiring it into them.

I’d recommend chatting to your wife: does she feel she’s carrying all the responsibilities? Can you share the load more effectively? What can you put squarely on your shoulders so she doesn’t need to give it another thought? She might have a constant to-do list running through her mind because she sees her diligence as a way of showing love. Does she recognise that you feel she’s concerned about the level of care you give?

What does micromanaging bring up in you? Why do you find it belittling, rather than a reflection on her insecurities? Can you be more reassuring so she knows all is in hand? Does she know where this is coming from? This might be an extension of the protection she felt towards your children when they were vulnerable babies and it might be worth consciously both taking a moment to remind yourselves that you don’t need constant hypervigilance as they are changing into robust children. Do you tell her what a good parent she is?

Also consider what micromanaging brings up in you. Why do you find it belittling, rather than a reflection on her insecurities? Does it bring out your own insecurities?

Practically, when you’re taking the children out try narrating what you’re preparing when you get the children ready so your wife hears you’ve packed suncream, water bottles, hats before she issues needless reminders. Or you could create a seasonal checklist and pin it on your fridge, so the basics are covered and your conversation is more loving and social – and less of a to-do list that you feel is undermining. I know many parents of school-age children do this because otherwise they spend their time reminding each other about guitar practice and book bags.

Often, much of parenting behaviour comes from what we experienced as children and the nurture and care we received. Your wife might have grown up in a home with lots of panic and last-minute solutions to problems. It might be that one of her parents was anxious so she got used to over-preparing everything when young to ease their concerns. How was your own childhood?

Finally, consider how your relationship has changed since having children – and if you can spend time together where you can focus on each other, rather than your children’s needs.

If you start interpreting your wife’s actions as a show of love to your children, rather than a criticism of you, you’ll find it easier to respond lovingly in turn, rather than reacting with resentment. If responsibilities are whirring around her head and spill over, thank her for reminding you. Once you start relaxing in your responses and there’s more lightness around getting your children and their kit prepared, I suspect your wife might in turn start to relax. Let me know how you get on.