I feel like retirement has ruined my dad – how can I shake him out of it?

‘The idea that your dad was rejected at work and is now seen to be a nuisance at home must be damaging for his self-esteem' says Kenny (Photo: Nes/Getty)

I felt sad for your dad reading your letter. It sounds as if he’s had meaningful validation through work for most of his career. Then, very suddenly, this was removed from his life with redundancy – which may well have felt like a rejection. This was then compounded as he couldn’t find other work. While he’s very fortunate to have the financial means to take retirement early, this sounds like it was more a situation rather than an active choice, because of the lack of alternatives.

And now, we find your dad, sitting on his armchair day in, day out, feeling, by the sounds of it, rather lost. That identity was swept away and I wonder if he’s questioning on some level its value, if it could disappear overnight. That is so different from him having control over his departure with a celebration of all that he’d achieved while in the workforce.

I’m very pleased that you’re considering how you can help. And I’m sure you can. Even with very low level depression, it’s unsurprising that he’s not feeling sociable and believes he doesn’t need friends.

Having felt valued, he might well be feeling ‘less than’ in his life, something that is hard to share – especially if he’s not accustomed to connecting with friends or colleagues to share problems. This may sound incredibly basic, but have you asked him how he’s feeling in himself? Whether he’s missing work and what about it he’s missing? Whether there are things he’d like to do that would feel fulfilling in his life?

In some communities, the role of an elder is hugely respected and your dad would be turned to by both community and family for advice. In the Blue Zone areas, where longevity has been linked not only to healthy diet but also to sociable communities, you’ll often see men in fairer climates than ours sitting and talking with each other, playing games and enjoying being with their grandchildren.

I wonder what you and your family might need from your dad – and what time you’re spending together as an extended family. I have every sympathy with your mum’s point of view, but the idea that your dad was rejected at work and is now seen to be a nuisance at home must be damaging for his self-esteem, that’s already taken a knock.

While he might not be feeling a lack of friendship – and I do hear your concerns for the responsibility this is adding to your mum – it might be that if you address his sense of worth, the friendships will follow. I’d recommend that you approach this by appealing to his understanding of the contribution he can make to help others.

So rather than it be about his needs, it’s about others’ needs where his help would be of value. Would he be interested in running a voluntary group? Is there a problem in the local community that he could bring his management expertise to and solve? Would he be happy to advise start-up companies or work as a mentor to young people who are hoping to follow in his field? He’s fulfilled his own potential and now might be the time to help others fulfil theirs.

Would he like to organise a dog walking group so those who are feeling isolated can feel supported? A local kennel or dog charity where he could play an advisory role, or help with the dogs? One of the most valuable things about being employed is having a structure to the day and community around: your dad still has the same skills he did when he was employed and he still has a valuable contribution to make to his family and community.

Perhaps the help he might appreciate from you is researching the needs in his local community so he can step in to help. This will also give him a sense of purpose and a focus beyond your mum.

I’d also recommend spending time with your dad outside the house, doing something he enjoys. This might be a dog walk where you can connect with fellow dog walkers to show him the way, or at least observe how sociable dog walking communities are with canines in common.

I’d recommend sharing your own vulnerabilities and problems with your dad, too, to help encourage him to be open in return. If you have a partner, it might be an opportunity for you to express how important your friends are to you so that your partner doesn’t feel too responsible for your wellbeing.

The boomer generation (I say this as someone who is a similar age to your father) are often more reticent about talking openly than their children: we all have a lot to learn from younger generations, especially those who are inclined to consider it self-indulgent to talk about ourselves.

Finally, I’m conscious that your dad won’t have received the send-off from work that many retirees get. Now, whether he’s someone who’d appreciate a carriage clock for long service or not, it must feel like his career came to an abrupt fizzle at the end, rather than ending on a high.

I’d recommend that you and your family take the time to organise a meal where his achievements can be celebrated. You can ask him whether he’d like his former colleagues or other friends to be there or not, but either way, I think this will give him a sense of bringing one stage of his life to a close and of how important that part of his life was to him for a long time. In turn, this will help invite the next stage of his life.

It might be that you also want to arrange a weekend away as an extended family, or he might want to go on a holiday. It can take time to adjust to retirement, but by officially marking the end of his career, and showing him how much value he still has to offer, I’d hope that he starts enjoying being the master of his own time – and as he finds passions and projects to get involved with, the sense of responsibility your mum feels will naturally diminish.