My wife thinks I’m too harsh on her – I think it’s constructive criticism

‘My wife says I criticise her about everything – the way she speaks, what she wears, how she parents’ (Photo: Kawee Srital-on/Getty)

Dear Robert,

I don’t think putting this to bed without addressing it is going to give you the peace you want. It sounds to me like your wife wants to be heard. In fact, I suspect she’s going to extremes to try to get you to listen to her: it would be unusual for her to chat to her friends about your behaviour and canvass their opinions if she hasn’t tried to chat to you first. Even if her communication has been indirect and she hasn’t approached you, she is now.

Start by listening to your wife.

Please take your wife’s concerns seriously. I hear a sense of justification in your email to me: a suggestion that “she knew what she was getting herself in for” when it comes to harsh words.

I understand that by choosing to marry her you feel you’ve shown you love her. But where is that behaviour that caused her to choose to marry you now? You may have always been straight-talking, but I doubt she fell in love with you because of your way of making her feel she could get nothing right. There’s a huge difference between being straight-talking and treating your wife – or anyone you love – without respect, tenderness and care.

Why do you feel the need to constantly criticise her?

I wonder where these criticisms are coming from. It sounds like you not only love your wife, but you enjoy her company. So what is your aim through criticism of what she wears, how she speaks, and how she parents? Are you hoping to improve her as if she’s a project? Did your parents show their love for you by criticising you so you’d try harder?

Are you self-critical rather than comfortable showing compassion towards yourself and feel that you should treat her the same way? Are you harbouring resentments towards her that are coming out as criticism? Do you feel overwhelmed or trapped as a parent, and rather than communicating with her about this, you’re knocking her?

To receive constant criticism and be told you’re getting things wrong feels at best unrelaxed, at worst as if you’re a child who is being told off. It’s something far too many children experience as they’re growing up. It’s misguided behaviour that happens in the workplace, sometimes even between friends. I’m reassured to hear that this isn’t the dynamic between your wife and her friends – in fact, they are wanting to support her.

Try the magic ratio of compliments to criticism.

I feel what your wife is asking for is more gentleness and kindness towards her. How do you express to your wife that you love her and like her? Do you remind her why you fell in love with and married her?

I’d recommend taking the time to focus on what you appreciate in your wife, and encouraging her to do the same for you. Develop a mindset where you look for the positives.

Relationship researcher Dr John Gottman found that for a marriage to thrive, every criticism has to be countered by five positive interactions or feelings, at least. This isn’t pop science: he can 90 per cent accurately predict whether a couple will be together in a decade after 10 minutes of observing them.

While at first, appreciation might not feel natural to you, it’s worth persevering: it’s a powerful way to transform a marriage. Just as when you compliment children, specific compliments are more meaningful than generalities (so: “I loved the way you negotiated so kind-yet-directly with the man who queue jumped” is better than “way to go”).

Being interested in your wife’s feelings, which involves listening to her carefully, whether or not you agree, is another way to bring couples closer. These skills take time to learn but now is the best time to start. I’ve learnt over the years to remember that marriage is a practice – being present in every open-hearted moment – rather than a one-time event.