My wife only wants sex on 'special occasions' - it's incredibly boring

‘My wife recently joked that Valentine’s Day was coming and if I was ready for my ‘yearly’ treat,’ this week’s reader complains (Photo: Getty)

Dear writer,

I want to start by jumping straight in and telling you: there is no going back. Let me be clear. You won’t go back into how sex was when you were in your 20s, but this is no bad thing.

Everything in life has changed, including your bodies, needs, what turns you on and turns you off. So it’s time to grow into and embrace the next iteration of your connection. In this stage of your life you will be moving forwards into slower, more intimate, more connected and sensual sex.

It’s worth remembering that this growing period might bring fear, embarrassment, vulnerability and resistance to the unknown, at least initially. So don’t rush it, and don’t come in with pressure by keeping tabs of frequency, who is doing what or initiating.

It is an absolute fantasy that you’re the only one in the relationship that wants sex, touch, safety, intimacy or connection. So it’s time to zoom out of you and your needs – it’s not about thinking: “I’m horny. I need to have sex.” That isn’t going to turn anyone on. Start by prioritising communication, intimacy and playful physical touch and see how things naturally unfold.

Sit down with your wife and have an honest conversation with her. Don’t go into a fearful space of overthinking, watching videos, reading books or soliciting the opinions of friends who don’t know the intricacies of your relationship. Talk directly to your wife and be clear about your needs and what might be behind them, as well as your fears, and gently ask her to share the same. Ask the right questions.

How does she wish to be treated or touched in different parts of her body? Is there judgement or self-judgement – what is it around? Is there shame? Is there acceptance? Is there enough self-care?

When people are young, sex can be a performance rather than an exercise of intimate feedback or communication of what is good and bad, and what is and isn’t working. So it’s time to really get vulnerable and communicate.

As for the sex itself, it sounds like it’s been built up to be this huge event that must be marked in a calendar. No one likes a looming obligation over them.

Sex doesn’t necessarily have to be a big, scary thing. It could take 15 minutes. It could be while you’re watching TV. It could be in the daytime, in the night-time, clothes on, clothes off. It really doesn’t matter. Ask her what she prefers – it might be lower stakes, lower pressure sex.

Let foreplay be a way of daily life. Kisses, massages and touch shouldn’t be just a means to an end. They are also about connection, showing you care and making the other person feel good. The importance is on making physical touch conscious, regular and normal. No one wants to feel that every time they want physical touch and intimacy they feel they have to have sex to get that from the other person. That is like going to an extreme, and then it’s gone again – into starvation mode.

As you are both in your fifties, menopause needs to be taken into consideration and how your wife’s body and hormones might have changed. If she has any issues with the changes, she might need more space than usual.

People need to feel safe in order to open up and be vulnerable. Are you making her feel emotionally safe? Are you supporting her through this time? Do you know her needs, or are you just looking to her to take care of you, your needs, your vulnerabilities and issues of abandonment? Your wife needs to feel love, safe, nurtured, protected, desired, adored – unconditionally, not as a form of manipulation. So why not make that a way of life? And it goes both ways.

I worked with a couple who thought they had huge issues with sex. They were both overthinking the situation and making assumptions about how the other person wanted it to be instead of communicating, being playful and real about it. They thought they were misaligned with their sex drives. It turns out, they realised that a lot of the time she was quite happy to give him a quick “happy ending”, and he was quite happy because he was relieved. There actually weren’t any issues to do with their relationship or sex. There was a simple solution.

Now is the time to be a man. And being a man is being present in whatever is going on in your relationship without taking it personally. Being a man is taking care of your children. Being a man is being able to meet life consciously rather than with fear. Being a man is being a partner who is as solid as a rock and a support system, rather than part of the drama and confusion, at a time when she is probably going through a lot of changes. That’s sexy.

As for Valentine’s Day, there shouldn’t be just one day a year where you make each other feel special. Don’t wait for the 14th. Open up to love right now. Be in the moment and start communicating, start touching, and let it be playful. Ban the thought of the type of sexual connection you want until after Valentine’s Day, so the pressure’s off and you can just be together. If for any reason, something does happen on Valentine’s Day it’s a bonus, not the be all and end all.