My wife accused me of ‘turning into my dad’ – I’ll never forgive her

‘‘Explain that you feel you need to make peace with your past,’ says Kenny (Photo: LordHenriVoton/Getty)

What a painful accusation, I can understand why being told you’re just like your father felt like an assault. I also believe that if your wife is resorting to a comment that must have felt so laced with cruelty – and that she knows will inflict great pain – she might have been trying to be heard by you for some time.

I’m struck by the role forgiveness might play in your life. Your father inflicted incredible hurt on you, your mother and your sisters. His behaviour sounds horrendous and I can only imagine that the atmosphere for the rest of you when he was around was one of fear.

Estrangement can be the safest way to protect yourself in adulthood from ongoing pain. I believe, however, that forgiveness and estrangement are not mutually exclusive and that while forgiving your father won’t make any difference to him – he’s dead anyway – it will be helpful for you. It might give you a huge sense of relief and release.

I find it helpful to separate the person from the behaviour: there’s a huge amount of truth in the adage that hurt people hurt people – and this is exactly what your father has done.

Do you have any idea where his hurt came from? I’m not suggesting for a second that his behaviour was in any way okay, or that you need to pardon it, but that seeing him as a damaged person who perhaps used alcohol to escape his heart and mind, which unleashed damaging, destructive behaviour, might be a helpful way of coming to terms with the experiences you all suffered at his hands.

This separation of his behaviour, which sounds so unforgivable, and him as a person, who I suspect suffered huge hurt and didn’t have the skills, tools or emotional intelligence to do more than passing it on, so the pain was radiated further through your family, might be a helpful way to achieve this forgiveness.

This does not mean that you need to cloud your clarity over the cruelty of his actions, nor over his personal limitations. But he is dead, and his legacy is the pain that you, and perhaps your mother and siblings, are still suffering. If you’re able to process this suffering and bring it to peace, you won’t pass it on.

I also wonder whether you need to forgive yourself. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to be a little boy unable to protect your mother from violence, your sisters from a dangerous situation and yourself, knowing and seeing what was going on, perhaps fearful for your safety and helpless for the safety of others. I wonder how it feels to you when you see vulnerability and pain in people and what reactions it brings up.

It might feel painful to revisit this time but it feels to me as if you need to complete this chapter of your abusive childhood and make peace with it so you are able to move on and live your own life without your past weighing so heavily on your shoulders.

You might find talking to your sisters and your mum helps with this; you might choose to do so in a safe environment with professional guidance from a therapist; you might want to confide in your wife and explain that you feel you need to make peace with your past.

The final forgiveness for you to extend is surely to your wife: choosing not to forgive her will cost you – and your relationship – great pain. I would recommend that you explain to her how hurt you are feeling from her comments and ask her whether she is feeling hurt too – and really listening to her answers.

Reflective listening can be so helpful: it requires us to tune in and then repeat what we’ve understood from what our partner has said. This not only helps them feel heard, it means that any misunderstandings are ironed out in the moment as they can clarify meaning.

It sounds like there is pain on her side too as the arguments you’re talking about have escalated. How does your lack of control with your temper affect her? What have you been arguing about? What stresses in your lives are you bringing to your relationship with each other? It’s so common for people who’ve been through trauma to feel safe with disharmony rather than peace: do you recognise this in your relationship at all?

All behaviour is communication and it is important for you to breathe into and find out what might be going on behind the arguments. Have you taken on more work in your company to get away from the arguments at home? Is it to bring in more money to your home? Are you passionate about your work? Is it to progress your career and your feelings of power?

Very often people who’ve been through trauma have spent their childhood feeling powerless: this can lead to extremes – either fearing your own power, or relishing a sense of control. It sounds like while you’re appreciating your success at work, you’re also spending a great deal of time feeling overstretched, overburdened and overwhelmed. Does your wife know you feel like this? Does she know you’d rather be at home, calmly connecting with her, rather than entertaining clients?

I find it curious that you say you naturally drink more when entertaining. You have a choice with drink and you know from your own experiences with your father that it can lead to shorter fuses and unleashed tempers.

Do you think alcohol is fuelling your anger, or acting as an escape? I understand that in decades past, entertaining and alcohol did, too frequently, go hand in hand, with people feeling that they had to get involved for the sake of their careers.

Thankfully, this is mostly no longer the case: it’s a huge generalisation but Gen Z are not drinking in the way that previous generations chose to. Even if you are in an environment where you feel you “need” to appear to drink, talk to the waiting staff and ask them to pour you non-alcoholic drinks. Or simply drink more slowly: your clients, especially if they are drinking, will not be keeping count on how much you’re imbibing.

I wonder why the house being a tip gets to you. Do you need things in place to feel in control and safe? Is it that you’re feeling so uptight that a messy home tips you over the edge? Could it be that you don’t feel she works as hard as you, so should be keeping the house in order as a sign of gratitude?

These rows are telling you both something: opening your communication is crucial so you can move from being exhausted and bad tempered into a more peaceful, calm and connected life. There’s so much in life that we have no control over, but forgiveness is in our gift and in your life it seems to play through your past as much as your present.

I truly believe that if your wife is throwing grenades into your relationship – and there’s no doubt that this cruel comment is one – that her needs, perhaps for love and safety, perhaps for connection, perhaps for understanding and compassion, perhaps for communication itself, aren’t being met. If you start by asking her what she needs from you, and remaining curious rather than defensive, I believe you’ll be taking a hugely positive step for you both.