At 42, my wife's given me an ultimatum: grow up, or she'll leave
12 September 2025
Dear Kenny
My wife is always complaining about me – and now she says if I don’t grow up she’s going to leave me. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I go to the gym every day, I’ve got lots of friends, I’m successful in my career – what more could she want?
She talks about the mental load of running our home all the time, but she only works two days a week and the children are 10 and eight, so it’s not like they’re tiny.
She says I avoid meaningful conversations and when we’re together as a family with our children I play the joker all the time. But she just wants to talk about sad things – and the children want to have a laugh too.
We’re both in our early forties. Her dad died a year ago and she’s been really withdrawn since.
What should I do – I like our life as it is!
MT, Manchester, 42
‘I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong – what more could she want?’ (Photo: Milan Markovic/Getty)
Dear MT,
What more could she want, indeed? It sounds like you’re a wonderful companion for fun times and laughter and your children are entertained by your antics. I don’t think ultimatums are ideal to throw around, but it sounds like your wife has issued this one in desperation, because there’s a huge cost to her of an unmet need.
She’s told you that you avoid meaningful conversations, haven’t grown up and is complaining about the mental load. It sounds to me like she’s telling you – and perhaps feels like she’s repeated herself many times – that she really wants you to shoulder some of the burdens of the life you live.
It is one year since your wife’s dad died and she is probably still in grief. Are you able to support her while she feels the sadness, anger and loss of her father? Are you able to listen to her, without fixing a problem that can’t be solved and be with her as she feels those emotions? Or does that feel somewhat scary to you? Could it be that you find it so hard to tolerate her sad feelings that she’s been suppressing them and now the shade is emerging and eclipsing the light?
I work with many men whose partners make similar requests of them: often they come to me not knowing what to do and how to fix this, because they don’t want to lose their wives. I suspect, as with many of them, you’re doing nothing wrong: looking after yourself by going to the gym and socialising is admirable; spending time with your children is crucial. But – as well as this – I believe she’s asking you to develop a more mature side.
This means an ability to sit with her in pain as well as joy, to accept what can’t be fixed. It means sharing the mental load, not just of running the home but of carrying your family’s emotional needs. It means showing her that you want to understand her and you’re capable of growing with her. If you’re unable to meet her in grief, then support her by creating space for her away from her mental load so she can be with her own grief and, if she wants, share it with others.
I hear how much you like your life as it is. I’m in no way suggesting that you change everything. But do have, as your wife puts it, a meaningful conversation about which parts of your life are important to you both, so you can add those that you might need to grow into.
In this conversation, start by listening. Reflect back to your wife her feelings and what she says, without interruption, the distraction of offering solutions, so she feels genuinely heard. The power of witnessing what someone says is huge. Ask her what she wants to change and how you can support her more. Take time when you see her feeling stressed, or sad, or when you’re around to ask what you can do for her at that moment.
I’d recommend that you think about why you feel so comfortable always playing the joker, so that you know, and also so you can explain to your wife. Were your parents comfortable chatting about sad things, or did they avoid them? Is it hard to witness someone you love grieve? Did you feel your voice was unheard, at school or at home, unless you brought playful humour to the situation? Did your joker personality keep you safe from trouble as a child? If you can understand where this is coming from, I suspect she might appreciate this level of self-awareness.
It sounds to me as if there might be an empathy gap in your relationship, with your wife carrying all the emotion for your family. If you’re able to meet her and carry some of that for her, you might find that her chat stops being overshadowed by sadness, and she has more space and time for the playful conversations. In healthy relationships, both partners need to be able to shoulder responsibilities for each other when needed.
I don’t believe she’d have issued an ultimatum unless she felt desperate to change things now: I’d encourage you to waste no time in taking this as an invitation to create space for your wife so she can find pockets of time to process her own emotions, to create time so she can be herself beyond being a parent, a partner and a daughter – and to create opportunities together where she can start, once more, enjoying some of the playful joy you bring to life.