My wife has become a martyr since we had children – I can’t do anything right

'I’ve seen many couples where one partner ends up doing all the planning after children, and not because they enjoy it,' says Agony Uncle Kenny (Photo: Getty)

Dear Worn Out and Worn Down,

Criticism and complaints can be hard to take and it sounds as if your partner frequently pulls you up. It is very difficult to remain curious about criticisms when we feel attacked, especially if we perceive it to be unfair, but I’d urge you to do so.

I’m interested that her criticisms seem to be around the areas of selfishness and ungratefulness. Both of your lives have most likely changed dramatically over the past three years (if yours hasn’t, then you probably aren’t pulling as much of the weight as you believe you are…). Most people becoming parents aren’t prepared for the realities in any way: there is an intensity and exhaustion to life with small children that is hard to anticipate. Did you both expect your lives to change so much? How does your partner feel about becoming a parent? Have you asked her?

Coupled with the love she feels, she might be angry and overwhelmed at never having time for herself – can you give her any time? Is she grieving her old life when she could sit and read the weekend papers? Does she feel guilty? Does she miss you and time together?

You say that your wife has started ‘wearing the pants’ in your relationship. I wonder exactly what you mean by this: could it be that she stepped more into a partnership? Has she felt more secure in herself and started shining more? Maybe it was an invitation for you to step up, too?

I know that my wife became more expressive and open once we got married and she felt safer. Neither of us knew that there was another level, until it happened. Has she taken over the planning? I’ve seen many couples where one partner ends up doing all the planning after children, not because they enjoy it but because the other hasn’t shifted out of plan-free coupledom where they would decide everything on the spur of the moment. Maybe you’re still settling into your new roles, or maybe your roles are changing.

I’m struck that the criticisms that your wife is aiming at you seem to stem from a sense that you’re not being thoughtful. I wonder if she feels a lack of gratitude and that all her work in being a mother is unseen, unheard and unappreciated. I wonder if you feel the same way too and wish she appreciated all you do?

I believe the best antidote is to start observing all she’s doing and make a point of noticing, by descriptive appreciation of specific things, telling her how much you see her keeping your home together. This might encourage her to acknowledge you for all you are doing, rather than criticising you for all you aren’t doing. I’d also recommend sitting and reflective listening to all her criticisms so she feels she’s been heard, rather than getting into a situation of who did what – and who didn’t do what.

At some level, your wife may want you to simply know her needs: I think it’s very reasonable to point out that you can’t know unless you’re told. You can help by encouraging her to let you know the myriad of invisible things she is doing to keep your home running. If you have any capacity left, ask what you can take off her shoulders – not to be given instructions and perform the task, but to take complete responsibility for it. Hopefully, this will encourage her to feel less resentful towards you and less angry and martyr-ish.

I wonder how much being criticised reminds you of being a child and your own upbringing? I say this because the very notion of ‘being in trouble’ is a childhood phrase. The vast majority of men I’ve worked with over the years have a huge fear of humiliation and abandonment, which stems from their own childhoods. Being ‘told off’ by their partner immediately takes them back to being a young boy when they were powerless.

Finally, I’d remind you again of the context: you’re bringing up children in a society that doesn’t offer anything like enough support for parents. It’s hard. If you have extended family, or can book a babysitter, give yourselves a few hours or a night to take some time together. It’s amazing how just a few hours can transform a relationship that is starved of time.

Then you can both acknowledge how you’re navigating this intense time together, relax and enjoy each other’s company. Just make sure that you’re the one who makes the plans so you’re not adding more to your partner’s load.