My wife and I are caught in the ABC sex trap - itās killing our marriage
12 January 2025
Iām in my fifties and have been married for 17 years. My wife and I have been happy for the most part, except for one thing: weāve fallen into the habit of only having sex on āspecialā occasions. This is my birthday, our anniversary and sometimes ā if Iām lucky and if Iāve remembered flowers and a card ā Valentineās day.
My wife will constantly say sheās not in the mood, or sheās tired, and Iāve been turned down so many times Iāve stopped trying. The times when we do have sex it almost feels like it is a chore for her or an obligation. I miss the early days with the fireworks and the passion, and I canāt help but feel a lack of love from her because of it. Itās killing our partnership.
Our kids are nearly teens now so we have more time on our hands ā they are out of the house with friends a lot ā and Iāve hinted at my wife, but this doesnāt seem to have sparked anything.
My friend sent me an article the other day and it described our sex life to a tee: ABC ā only having sex on Anniversaries, Birthdays and Christmas (OK, we donāt have sex on Christmas, but still). It made me really sad.
I have a high sex drive and she knows that, and I donāt want to go the rest of my life with thrice-a-year sex. Help.

āItās so common for long-term partners, especially those bringing up children together, to fall out of lust with each other,ā says Kenny (Photo: Getty/iStockphoto)
Rejection is hard and I can understand why being turned down by your partner, time and time again, has led to you giving up on all but so-called special occasions ā and even then, you suspect your wife senses itās an obligation.
Firstly, Iād ask you to think about when your sex lives changed from fireworks and passion to ABC sex? Was it a gradual dwindling, or did the arrival of babies effectively work as contraception? And ask: what would a good sex life look like to you in your fifties?
Itās very easy, when weāre denied intimacy and closeness, to think about it all the time but in reality, if you could have all the sex, touch and love in the world, how would you want your wife to show affection?
When youāve got some clarity in your mind, Iād recommend you speak to your wife about your relationship overall, your sex life and hormones. Approaching the conversation with curiosity rather than with any agenda will help to encourage open conversation rather than backing your partner into a defensive space where she might feel more likely to attack.
It sounds as if family life has moved into a new stage and it would be hugely beneficial to you both to take this extra time to start communicating openly and honestly. Iād encourage you to celebrate what you and your wife have got right through parenting young children. Is she a good mum? Are you a good dad? What sacrifices have you both made? Are there things youāve dropped that you might have an opportunity to give attention to as your children are growing up?
Do you love each other? How would you both like your futures to be, both as a family and as individuals? What is fulfilling in your lives and what areas would you like to focus on improving?
It seems clear that your sex life is one area youād like to give more attention to. Itās so common for long-term partners, especially those bringing up children together, to fall out of lust with each other and fall into family routines; sex lives get stuck in a rut or put firmly on the back burner.
What does your wife want: to feel cared for, to spend time together walking and talking, more affection and foreplay to stoke up passion? Within the context of your sex life, do you need to know that youāre loved? That youāre fanciable? That this isnāt the end of your sex life but a stage? What does your wife need? Would you consider taking the pressure off sex in the short term and enjoy intimacy in other ways? How free do you feel to satisfy your own needs?
I would encourage you to learn about perimenopause and menopause if you arenāt familiar with this stage of life ā and the impact it can have on sex drives specifically. Have you talked to your wife about perimenopause, the symptoms of which are felt from around a decade before menopause? As men, it can be hard to understand how much this phase impacts women. There are helpful, accessible documentaries (Davina McCallās is useful) on the subject that are both reassuring and informative: it might be worth watching together?
If you start communicating openly, your wife might want to share what she is going through. You might want to consider seeking medical help, such as HRT or testosterone, which is prescribed in the UK specifically to counter a drop in libido. Perimenopause can impact how sexy ā and how tired ā women feel and how sex itself feels; how lubricated they are.
Is this something your wife is experiencing, or are other pressures on life making her feel less sexy? Is she worried about the kids walking in? Does she hold any resentment towards you in other parts of your life? Sex, not always, can be a sign of connection and overall relationship health so itās worth exploring whether thereās an imbalance that is making her feel less close to you. Do you feel like you connect; do you show your love or tell each other?
Only by chatting will you be able to understand and empathise what she is going through ā and see your way through. It might be that you need to slow things down. She might feel you taking stress off her in other areas of life would free up more time and headspace for intimacy.
If both of you can get clear on what you want and need and communicate it then at least youāll know whether your future might go from ABC to more intimacy. If you can get into habits of connecting and communicating, youāll be strengthening your relationship. If intimacy is ultimately not something your wife wants, misses or is open to in any form, then at least you can consider your future based on facts rather than guesswork. But until you both start communicating openly, both your sex life and your relationship will stay stuck.