My wife and I are caught in the ABC sex trap - it’s killing our marriage

‘It’s so common for long-term partners, especially those bringing up children together, to fall out of lust with each other,’ says Kenny (Photo: Getty/iStockphoto)

Rejection is hard and I can understand why being turned down by your partner, time and time again, has led to you giving up on all but so-called special occasions – and even then, you suspect your wife senses it’s an obligation.

Firstly, I’d ask you to think about when your sex lives changed from fireworks and passion to ABC sex? Was it a gradual dwindling, or did the arrival of babies effectively work as contraception? And ask: what would a good sex life look like to you in your fifties?

It’s very easy, when we’re denied intimacy and closeness, to think about it all the time but in reality, if you could have all the sex, touch and love in the world, how would you want your wife to show affection?

When you’ve got some clarity in your mind, I’d recommend you speak to your wife about your relationship overall, your sex life and hormones. Approaching the conversation with curiosity rather than with any agenda will help to encourage open conversation rather than backing your partner into a defensive space where she might feel more likely to attack.

It sounds as if family life has moved into a new stage and it would be hugely beneficial to you both to take this extra time to start communicating openly and honestly. I’d encourage you to celebrate what you and your wife have got right through parenting young children. Is she a good mum? Are you a good dad? What sacrifices have you both made? Are there things you’ve dropped that you might have an opportunity to give attention to as your children are growing up?

Do you love each other? How would you both like your futures to be, both as a family and as individuals? What is fulfilling in your lives and what areas would you like to focus on improving?

It seems clear that your sex life is one area you’d like to give more attention to. It’s so common for long-term partners, especially those bringing up children together, to fall out of lust with each other and fall into family routines; sex lives get stuck in a rut or put firmly on the back burner.

What does your wife want: to feel cared for, to spend time together walking and talking, more affection and foreplay to stoke up passion? Within the context of your sex life, do you need to know that you’re loved? That you’re fanciable? That this isn’t the end of your sex life but a stage? What does your wife need? Would you consider taking the pressure off sex in the short term and enjoy intimacy in other ways? How free do you feel to satisfy your own needs?

I would encourage you to learn about perimenopause and menopause if you aren’t familiar with this stage of life – and the impact it can have on sex drives specifically. Have you talked to your wife about perimenopause, the symptoms of which are felt from around a decade before menopause? As men, it can be hard to understand how much this phase impacts women. There are helpful, accessible documentaries (Davina McCall’s is useful) on the subject that are both reassuring and informative: it might be worth watching together?

If you start communicating openly, your wife might want to share what she is going through. You might want to consider seeking medical help, such as HRT or testosterone, which is prescribed in the UK specifically to counter a drop in libido. Perimenopause can impact how sexy – and how tired – women feel and how sex itself feels; how lubricated they are.

Is this something your wife is experiencing, or are other pressures on life making her feel less sexy? Is she worried about the kids walking in? Does she hold any resentment towards you in other parts of your life? Sex, not always, can be a sign of connection and overall relationship health so it’s worth exploring whether there’s an imbalance that is making her feel less close to you. Do you feel like you connect; do you show your love or tell each other?

Only by chatting will you be able to understand and empathise what she is going through – and see your way through. It might be that you need to slow things down. She might feel you taking stress off her in other areas of life would free up more time and headspace for intimacy.

If both of you can get clear on what you want and need and communicate it then at least you’ll know whether your future might go from ABC to more intimacy. If you can get into habits of connecting and communicating, you’ll be strengthening your relationship. If intimacy is ultimately not something your wife wants, misses or is open to in any form, then at least you can consider your future based on facts rather than guesswork. But until you both start communicating openly, both your sex life and your relationship will stay stuck.