Christmas should be fun, why is my wife so stressed about it?

‘None of us care if the roast potatoes are crunchy to perfection. How can we convince her to have fun?’ (Photo: Dougal Waters/Getty)

Merry Stressmas! I hear you about your wife and how little you care about the roast potatoes. What you’re not taking into account here is the pressure that so many people, mainly women (blame the historic expectation to excel as homemakers) – and I suspect your wife is one – feel to help make Christmas perfect.

She may have inherited from her mother or grandmother a strong sense that the women in the family carry the responsibility for the festive season: the pressure that everyone has a good time; that there are no rows or sadness; that grief for those who are absent miraculously dissipates; that food is on time and perfectly cooked and everyone not only loves their gifts but that they show an appropriate level of appreciation – even if they’re three and have spent the entire month anticipating this one day.

No wonder your wife is no fun, especially if you’re expecting her to be fun for you. I’d recommend that you both unite together against the common enemy that is societal pressure, that some of us feel more than others, rather than dividing over whether she is getting into the festive spirit or not.

I’ve spoken to the women in my life about what they want from a supportive partner at Christmas. I pass this on in the hope that it might lighten the atmosphere in your home too.

One: appreciation. Notice how much your wife does to make Christmas magical. Really observe the details and make a point to thank her for them, naming specific things that you know she’s put the effort into. You might think she loves hosting drinks on Christmas Eve or decorating your home or watching the children open presents.

Please know that joy doesn’t detract from anyone’s wish to be appreciated for their efforts; if you enjoy playing with your kids or training for a marathon or working for promotion in your chosen career, it doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve acknowledgement for your efforts. The more specific the detail, the more appreciated she will feel, so thanking her for making the new neighbours feel part of your community or for remembering that your dad mentioned he’d love a new fishing bag on holiday in October is better than anything generic.

Two: practical help. How much is your wife doing to make Christmas magical compared with you? How much can you share the load? This doesn’t mean asking, “What can I do to help?” but planning – now – what might be your responsibility.

Seen a recipe for the perfect roast potatoes? Suggest you’ll cook the Christmas lunch so she gets a chance to play with the children as they try out their gifts. Or that you can both cook together while the children are entertained by their grandparents. Know there are some presents yet to buy? Talk through the present list, offer suggestions, suggest what you can pick up. Think through the million logistics in the run-up to Christmas and make sure you’re offering practical support and not, as one friend tells me, becoming “an extra child who relies on me to fill them in on the calendar, despite it hanging in the hallway for them to see at any time”. However you decide to divide tasks – and do listen to her suggestions as she may rather cook alone, or source gifts herself – make sure that you’re carrying the responsibility for “your” share.

Three: listen and support. If you can be a grounding presence for your wife, you can help her stress levels decrease. If her concerns sound minor, remind yourself that the weight of Christmas has historically been laid on women. We might be making strides towards equality but until homes across the country on Christmas Day aren’t full of frazzled women who’ve done the lion’s share of the work, while their partners and relatives are mainly relaxing, we’re not experiencing equality.

Remember that your wife’s concerns might not just be her worries about whether Auntie Janice and Uncle Dave will have a fight on Christmas Day, but partly the memory of all the other tensions she’s seen on Christmas Days’ past. So even if a current concern might sound trivial and you’d rather she relax than stress about producing a perfect dinner, she doesn’t need judgment on whether it’s out of proportion, but instead compassion because it feels like a big deal to her.

One friend adds a plea: “Don’t say it doesn’t matter, because even if, in the cold light of January it might all have faded, at that point it really does matter.” Listening and acknowledging is the best way to make anyone feel heard. Do ask her about Christmas when she was growing up and how she felt. By sharing her experiences of the past, hopefully she will feel more free for you both to lay a new foundation for Christmas cheer together.

Finally, if you can, arrange for a relative or friend to babysit one evening or book a babysitter (make sure it is you doing all the booking) so you and your wife get a night off this December to spend some time together. Thinking of yourselves at a time when our focus is mainly on others might feel like a real luxury.

I’m sure your Christmas still won’t be stress-free, but if you go into it as a partnership and share the weight of the festive season, you’ll both have a much happier time together – and hopefully a lot more fun.