My son has caught me having an affair and my world is falling apart
11 July 2025
My 17-year-old son caught me having an affair and my whole life is crumbling. Heâs told my wife (who I have not had sex with for five years) and sheâs in shock and threatening to leave me and split our family. I donât want to lose our family, our home, or our lifestyle together â the love I have for them is second to nothing.
Over the years, my wife and I have become just âmum and dadâ and not a couple or individuals in our own right. I feel the woman Iâve had an affair with for the past five months reminds me that Iâm a man, with needs and feelings. Sheâs also married and in a similar situation and her family doesnât know what my wife and son knows. I hope it stays that way as thereâs no reason for her family to fall apart too.
âHeâs told my wife (who I have not had sex with for 15 years) and sheâs in shockâ (Photo: FG Trade/Getty)
All three of you have my sympathy. Youâve not strayed beyond your role of dad for years, and you sound dislocated from not only your relationship with your wife, but also yourself. Your wife has been living with that lack of connection, too, which is now compounded by a huge betrayal: she sounds very hurt.
Your son has been the messenger, passing on the news that youâre having an affair, taking a brave role that was never his responsibility. I wonder how you feel about him catching you.
Why did you have the affair in the first place?
In an ideal world, no one would have affairs and weâd all communicate with the people we love long before we betray their trust. But weâre human and when we become lonely and disconnected, we seek solace in others. We all want to feel wanted. It is understandable. Five years is a very long time not to be intimate with anyone. Itâs clear that you want an adult relationship that goes beyond being a co-parent.
I donât get any sense from your message that youâve entertained the idea of getting together with the woman with whom you had an affair. Have there been other affairs? Are you attracted to other people? How would you feel about this happening in five years when your son has left home? Do you love your wife, or just love the life youâve created together?
Get real about your feelings for your wife
You say that the love you feel for your family is second to nothing and they mean the world to you. A surprising number of couples who love each other hugely live like co-parents or flatmates. Often, our sex life fades when children arrive or if thereâs a death in the family, or simply overwork and one partner, or both, doesnât make time to invest in their primary relationship.
In the short term, the subject of sex feels easier to avoid than to get back on track. This swiftly becomes long term. It seems clear that you want a relationship that goes beyond mum and dad: the question is whether you want this to be with your wife?
If so, this means acknowledging that youâre not picking up where youâve left off, but consciously getting to know each other again. Youâve probably changed hugely over the past decade and a half.
If sheâll let you, date your wife again â and communicate
If you focus on spending time together first, going on dates, consciously falling in love and taking time to appreciate what it is about each other that you like then youâll give chance for affection to follow. Neither of you need to feel pressure â this is not a race â but a very gradual exploration of minds before bodies.
Communication helps too: narrating what youâre thinking can be an ice breaker even with someone youâve spent most of your life with â say if youâre feeling awkward or nervous or it feels strange. The more things are out in the open, the more chance you have of rebuilding.
Cut ties with your lover and prioritise family
Itâs honourable that you want to protect your loverâs family: if you want to rekindle things with your wife then make sure youâre no longer in touch with anyone related to your affair.
Please take time to talk to your son, too. That role of dad is clearly one thatâs hugely important to you, and your son might be feeling a sense of split loyalties. Iâd recommend that you reassure him that what he did was right, how much you love him â and say sorry that you didnât tell your wife yourself.
It would be normal for you to have to work hard to gain the trust of both your son and wife again, and for it to take time to prove yourself. It is also positive for him to see you modelling repair after a rift, whether you remain with your wife or not.
Affairs can drive an irreconcilable wedge between a couple and, very understandably, destroy marriages. Iâve also seen them act as a wake-up call to all parties. If your wife is open to giving you a chance, then this is an opportunity to rebuild and discover each other as individuals and a couple, as well as parents, rather than recreate what wasnât working.