I take hotel breakfast buffet for lunch - does it make me stingy?

“She tells me I’m ’embarrassing’ for taking Tupperware to the breakfast buffet so we can stock up ahead and skip paying for lunch”.

I can almost feel the frustrations between you both: your wife wondering why you won’t just relax a little bit on holiday while you watch her blow the budget between clenched teeth. And the thing is, neither of you are wrong here, you just have different approaches to money on holiday.

One person’s stingy is another’s prudent; one’s spendthrift is another’s generous. And one person’s ‘winning the breakfast buffet’ is another’s mortification at helping themselves to more than their share.

Our relationship towards money tends to be cemented in childhood. I’d be surprised if it’s simply birth order that’s created your different attitudes, though as an eldest child I empathise with your sense of responsibility: I was often confused as to whether I was free to play, or on duty representing the cares and concerns of my parents. You may carry a sense that it’s important to be the sensible one from childhood.

Your parents’ beliefs around saving and spending probably also contributed to your clashing attitudes: how secure they feel about money; whether they splashed out on celebrations, birthdays and holidays themselves and if they had financial worries. Similarly, your wife is likely to bring inherited beliefs about spending into your holidays.

Before you go away, have a conversation about the recurring tensions over spending. Examine the needs behind both your spending habits.

Consider the meaning you place on being frugal – is it a wish for safety and security? A fear of running out? Of poverty? Or work redundancy? Or a desire for approval that stems from childhood? How would you feel if you treated yourselves to an expensive meal or bought yourself some expensive clothing?

And what does spending money mean to your wife? Is it a sign of enjoyment; recognition she deserves a treat; a reminder of being young or a symbol of freedom from the daily routine when she doesn’t have to think of budgets? Does an expensive bag remind her she’s of value or has a stylish role beyond parenting? It might be that the experience of being treated well in a luxury shop is something she looks forward to each year. Once you understand what’s behind the bag, you might find it’s no longer emotionally charged or a focus for resentment.

The more you can understand the emotions behind your attitudes to the holiday budget, the more compassionate you’re likely to feel towards each other’s irritating habits.

I’d also suggest you experiment in supporting each other’s roles. How can you be more free spirited on holiday? Inexpensive gestures like a surprise ice cream or little souvenirs for the children can add to the holiday vibe. Can your wife support you in encouraging free activities that the children love, from family walks to games? This will help halt any dynamic of your wife being the rebellious spender and you controlling the purse strings.

I’d also recommend looking at your budget ahead of time and seeing if you can redistribute it. You might find that missing out on an activity, for example, frees up money for lunch. For future years, consider full-board and self-catering, as either might mean you can leave the Tupperware at home.

Finally, the art of compromise is important. If your wife is conscious of budgeting 50 weeks a year and has a fortnight where she wants to forget the cost of living and pretend the hotel pool is in her own back garden, then I’d recommend encouraging her imagination. You might even learn to follow her lead and trust that by relaxing and indulging in a very temporary escape from the everyday, your whole life won’t spiral out of control.